Not Even The Slurpee Can Cheer Her Up

For some odd reason, life doesn't ever want to come together for me.

I thought things were looking up. I thought I was getting on track. But nope. My residence is being swept up from under me again. I am so frustrated at the thought of moving again. My current roomie has been pestering me for months about taking over the lease. Just now, she decides to tell me that when before I can take over the lease, I need to pass a credit check. I know I don't have good credit standing right now... and a credit check will just hurt it even more.

I worry that life is never going to come together for me. That I am constantly going to be held back by something. This time my credit, next time who knows. I just want everything to feel right. As right as it feels when I am with him. But no, Amber's life is never going to be smooth sailing. Whenever something goes good in life, something bad has to happen.

I am so sick of living with strangers, I am so sick of being locked up in my room. I am sick of not being able to make myself a home...

Home is where the heart is, right?

And I'm So Happy When I See That You Are Smiling Back At Me

I have let go and damn does it feel good.

No lies. I do have hopes, high ones. Everything just feels so good in this relationship. Sometimes I mess up with my worrisome side but he is trying to be patient with me and I am continuing along down my path of bettering myself, of fully accepting myself and making the changes within me that I want to see happen. He doesn't try to change me, and I don't try to change him. We just accept eachother. It's nice.

Maybe this is the dream. Finally coming true.

...maybe.

If I Give My Heart To You

Those three simple days made me happy. Seeing the "evidence" of those simplicities makes me want to burst. Not going to lie, I watched the little video. Numerous times. I am completely twitterpated and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But I still find I am scared. Terrified of letting myself fall. True, I can't hide that I am falling. One part of me is trying so hard to just cling on and not let myself go. To not allow myself to become vulnerable to the heartbreak.

But living your life in fear isn't a good thing. I previously thought about trying to lose the fear... so then shouldn't I lose that fear as well? I should just let go and let this feeling rush over me. Forget the fear and focus on living now. The whole "no day but today" thing. "Forget regret or life is yours to miss" right? Oh Rent. I need to watch you again soon.

So many happy little butterflies fluttering around. So many smiles that reach my eyes. He could be the answer, he could be the wish come true.

kaleidoscope girl

All the colours, flashing before her eyes. Lying, in a field of indigo flowers staring up at her yellow sun. The petals keep changing colours. The ground slowly starts to turn into water. The girl allows herself to be swept away in the waves. Having no clue where she is going to end up next. The ocean pushes her along until she is lying on yellow sand. She shakes away from the blue water, tip toes past the black shadows to find herself showered in green. Feelings of renewal mixed with soothing sensations. It enters her eyes and is reflected back in a calm content. No madness showing. Just peaceful bliss.. Urges overcome her. The girl throws herself to the ground. Panting and writhing; wanting to be held, wanting nothing else but to share herself with this green world. She sheds her blue soaked clothes and her skin turns colours. The warm sun caresses. As her hands move across her body, her skin settles to a golden green colour. Such warmth, such pleasure, such happiness.

A flash of silver. She sits up and looks out in the distance. There is small hole in her colourful world. She crawls over to look through. Grey. An army of grey is approaching. This colourful world she found is in danger of fading. Grey matter seeps through that oh so tiny hole. She flinches away. Scared now, she tries to find something, anything, to plug up the hole. The girl doesn't want to lose this new world, she doesn't want to go back to being colourless. She tries to run, but the Grey is quick. She looks back to see how close it is, and doesn't notice the black puddle in front of her. She steps in and falls down, and down. Wind roars in her ears. There are no more colours except the colour shining brightly from her skin. The golden green is lost amongst the black. She hits the bottom of the hole and cries. Her tears are emeralds falling into nothingness. She curls up into a ball. Naked, cold. A beautiful green girl in darkness. Will she remain there forever?

Time passes by and everyday she tries to work her way out, skinning her hands and knees, bruising her body. Her hair grows longer and longer, resembling tangled vines. Her hair and nails have turned black. Grey works it's way up from her feet to her thighs. She gives up. Allows her body to collapse and willingly sacrifices her mind and body to the darkness. She lies there, eyes staring into space, her body sprawled out and open for whatever hides in the shadows.

And this is how he found her.

Drink Up Me Hearties Yo Ho!

I really hate waking up with my contacts still in. Especially considering they are about two years old and are meant to be only worn for one month. Usually when I drink, I drink with people who know and they make sure I take them out. Neither of the people I drank with last night clued in. That's alright but now I fear for my eyes again. Dammit.

I HAVE SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO MINI RANT ABOUT: Customers. Wtf mate! WHY!? I just want to know why you do things sometimes. For example: Why do you insist on putting your straw wrappers on my hand off plane instead of in the garbage can that is a FOOT AWAY FROM YOU!? Honestly, are you that lazy or do you really not see the TWO garbage cans right there? Yesterday, I handed out a Caramel Frappuccino and went to go make another frappuccino. Next thing I know one of the girls calls me over and points out that she spilt a good inch or two of her drink on the counter.. How does one spill a frappuccino like that all over the counter? IT"S LIDDED!! When I looked at the frappuccino in her hand, the lid was still on perfectly fine. More of a mystery to me was that so did her whip cream. It looked fine.... what?

I never understood why I can't sleep the night after drinking. Why instead I wake up early. Back in the old days of AKA it seemed everyone would wake up early. We would all be chatting right now and then on our way to breakfast. But now, out of that house. Whenever I drink. I am usually awake, sitting and watching all the people around me sleep. Monica slept on the floor, I wish she slept on the bed. It makes me sad to see her on the floor... but she has plenty of pillows and blankets to keep warm. Tony is doing his normal sleeping thing in my bed. I think the only thing that is different is the fact that he is actually wearing pants this time! HA!

Hmmm... I want breakfast... I wonder if I wake them up...

And I Didn't Understand When You Reached Out To Take My Hand

Is this just temporary blindness... It seems I have fallen back into the habit of ignoring my problems and debt. I procrastinated doing my taxes.. I really need to get on that. Otherwise, I am going to be screwed on my next paycheck with another garnishment of $200..

Focus Amber. Get your life sorted. Get your mind sorted.
I just don't feel like there is any space in my head for terribly negative thoughts or thoughts of problems. When I near the siren, she leaks some of the dark thoughts. That's got to be a bad sign. I can't avoid the Siren. I need to be there.

I wonder why she was so negative in thinking. Is there something I can do to help her? Because I am very much sensitive to many things. When she voiced her doubting opinion. I felt the doubt too. I had to shake it off and believe. Have faith. That was a mistake I had made many times before. No trust. I will trust. I will learn to trust and have faith. I can. Shrug off the fear. Fear has no place in a smile. Fear and Doubt should have no place in my eyes when I look at him.

Is it bad that I can't even read my own thoughts right now? My mind is clouded over and I really can't concentrate very well. I keep trying to think but as soon as I catch the string of one thought it snaps and flies away.

Maybe I will head down to the Quay now. Feel the refreshing rain fall on my face.

I love the rain.

Forget Regret or Life Is Yours To Miss

I inspected my roommate's couch today. Saw no evidence of Monica's night. I suppose that's good. What a night that was. I really wish I remembered more of it. It's a shame about the noise complaint. Most of my apartment is up at that time in the morning anyways. My roommate said I woke her up too... Like I care. IT WAS A FRIDAY! Oh dearie me!

Speaking of frustrations... my pants are annoying me. Mainly because I have been losing weight. Therefore, my pants keep slipping and I honestly dislike wearing belts but I have no more money for new clothes.. I shouldn't be complaining. I am happy that I am losing weight. It's a goal I wanted to achieve, and it's happening. How I am doing it, I don't know! It just happened!

A lot of things just keep happening. I don't even know where to begin with the random timing life has for me. I feel somewhat bad about it. Mainly, Judgements from others make me feel bad. I see it in their eyes or hear it somewhere in their voice. Even if they are just joking.. there is judgement behind their voice. But I know, I know. Who cares what everyone else thinks, right? As long as I am happy. Honestly, I am so happy I am surprised I haven't been bursting with rainbows and sunshine. But I need to slow down, I can't allow myself to rush this along like I do with everything. I need to let things unfurl in their own way.

Life, take me where you will.