And You Don't Know What You've Done But I Will Give You A Clue

Hurt. Upset. Now turns to Anger. An inner rage. Keep it inside. No one wants to see the emotions in your eyes. Keep it inside or you will keep driving people away. Just feel cold. Just feel nothing. Seal the tears. Take everything you know yourself to be and seal it away. You are being forced to change. The situation has been turned around. Now you are looking like the bad guy. You are untrusting. You have no faith. It's always a problem with you isn't it?

But why is it your fault? The man said words that hurt. It hurt that the one you care about couldn't tell you that himself. Why did it have to come from someone else's mouth from his cell phone? Damn the man. Why did you have to get yelled at because someone hurt your feelings and you tried to explain?

Back to first person... I was being trusting! Trust is not the issue here. Why does it seem that I am the only person who isn't cool with people backing out on plans made. No! Before you say that me wanting you to come home to me isn't being trusting... well guess what. I don't want you to come home to me because I am scared you will go home with some bimbo. NO! That is not the case... I am wanting you to come home to me. Because you are going to be getting turned on looking at the girls shake their stuff at you. And because you will be getting all horny. I would love for you to take that energy and bring it home to me.

I am going to trust you when you say it's all his idea. And not trust or listen to what he said. But if you actually wanted to, why can't you say so yourself? I don't like my plans getting snubbed for something else..

I wish people could spend a day in my head. To feel as I do... then.. and only then do you have the right to tell me to change how I feel.


I don't like being made out to be the bad guy... the bitchy girlfriend... so not cool.

Hanging By A Moment Here With You

There are so many moments in life I never want to forget. I never want to forget how happy I feel to be curled up on his lap on the couch outside. Or the joy when I wake up next to him. The other night we went to some playground. I had two little moments I want to cherish forever. The mini re-enactment of Romeo & Juliet's balcony scene with my protrayal of Romeo (knowing most of the lines) and Tony's Juliet only know the line of "Romeo O Romeo Wherefore art thou Romeo".
And then again at the end when he told the Princess that it was time to leave. He had to fight an evil dragon to save the Princess and bring her home. I love that he can open his imagination with me. So much happiness for me in those moments... then why still this fear...

I think I know..

It sucks to be in love.

Because once you have said those words
And given the person your heart

You are instantly vulnerable

They could hurt you so easily.

And yet, instead of enjoying being in love,
I sit here and fret that im going to get hurt again

That he will do to me what he has done to other girls

That he will find the same flaw in me other people have and leave me
That I will lose him.. and he is someone that cannot be replaced.

I wish I could be more independant

I wish I could be calm, cool and collected

I wish...

I can't believe someone so amazing has come into my life..

Please fate... can I keep this happiness for awhile?

Waiting For Prince Charming To Get Off Work

Watching the fireworks from my bedroom window makes me feel even more like the trapped princess I always dreamt I was. Longing to step outside and be close to those fireworks...

He couldn't get the 1st off. He can't take me to the fireworks. It was kind of disappointing. I am trying not to let myself be upset though. I believe he is doing his best and I am sure there will be plenty of things like this we can do in the future. There I go again. Always in a rush to do things. I have this silly fear inside me that has me fearing that it won't last. Because I always fail at life. Who is to say I won't mess this one up. Breathe Amber Breathe. This one is different, this could be...

Pretty Princess don't fret.

Watch the pretty fireworks.

Not Even The Slurpee Can Cheer Her Up

For some odd reason, life doesn't ever want to come together for me.

I thought things were looking up. I thought I was getting on track. But nope. My residence is being swept up from under me again. I am so frustrated at the thought of moving again. My current roomie has been pestering me for months about taking over the lease. Just now, she decides to tell me that when before I can take over the lease, I need to pass a credit check. I know I don't have good credit standing right now... and a credit check will just hurt it even more.

I worry that life is never going to come together for me. That I am constantly going to be held back by something. This time my credit, next time who knows. I just want everything to feel right. As right as it feels when I am with him. But no, Amber's life is never going to be smooth sailing. Whenever something goes good in life, something bad has to happen.

I am so sick of living with strangers, I am so sick of being locked up in my room. I am sick of not being able to make myself a home...

Home is where the heart is, right?

And I'm So Happy When I See That You Are Smiling Back At Me

I have let go and damn does it feel good.

No lies. I do have hopes, high ones. Everything just feels so good in this relationship. Sometimes I mess up with my worrisome side but he is trying to be patient with me and I am continuing along down my path of bettering myself, of fully accepting myself and making the changes within me that I want to see happen. He doesn't try to change me, and I don't try to change him. We just accept eachother. It's nice.

Maybe this is the dream. Finally coming true.

...maybe.

If I Give My Heart To You

Those three simple days made me happy. Seeing the "evidence" of those simplicities makes me want to burst. Not going to lie, I watched the little video. Numerous times. I am completely twitterpated and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But I still find I am scared. Terrified of letting myself fall. True, I can't hide that I am falling. One part of me is trying so hard to just cling on and not let myself go. To not allow myself to become vulnerable to the heartbreak.

But living your life in fear isn't a good thing. I previously thought about trying to lose the fear... so then shouldn't I lose that fear as well? I should just let go and let this feeling rush over me. Forget the fear and focus on living now. The whole "no day but today" thing. "Forget regret or life is yours to miss" right? Oh Rent. I need to watch you again soon.

So many happy little butterflies fluttering around. So many smiles that reach my eyes. He could be the answer, he could be the wish come true.

kaleidoscope girl

All the colours, flashing before her eyes. Lying, in a field of indigo flowers staring up at her yellow sun. The petals keep changing colours. The ground slowly starts to turn into water. The girl allows herself to be swept away in the waves. Having no clue where she is going to end up next. The ocean pushes her along until she is lying on yellow sand. She shakes away from the blue water, tip toes past the black shadows to find herself showered in green. Feelings of renewal mixed with soothing sensations. It enters her eyes and is reflected back in a calm content. No madness showing. Just peaceful bliss.. Urges overcome her. The girl throws herself to the ground. Panting and writhing; wanting to be held, wanting nothing else but to share herself with this green world. She sheds her blue soaked clothes and her skin turns colours. The warm sun caresses. As her hands move across her body, her skin settles to a golden green colour. Such warmth, such pleasure, such happiness.

A flash of silver. She sits up and looks out in the distance. There is small hole in her colourful world. She crawls over to look through. Grey. An army of grey is approaching. This colourful world she found is in danger of fading. Grey matter seeps through that oh so tiny hole. She flinches away. Scared now, she tries to find something, anything, to plug up the hole. The girl doesn't want to lose this new world, she doesn't want to go back to being colourless. She tries to run, but the Grey is quick. She looks back to see how close it is, and doesn't notice the black puddle in front of her. She steps in and falls down, and down. Wind roars in her ears. There are no more colours except the colour shining brightly from her skin. The golden green is lost amongst the black. She hits the bottom of the hole and cries. Her tears are emeralds falling into nothingness. She curls up into a ball. Naked, cold. A beautiful green girl in darkness. Will she remain there forever?

Time passes by and everyday she tries to work her way out, skinning her hands and knees, bruising her body. Her hair grows longer and longer, resembling tangled vines. Her hair and nails have turned black. Grey works it's way up from her feet to her thighs. She gives up. Allows her body to collapse and willingly sacrifices her mind and body to the darkness. She lies there, eyes staring into space, her body sprawled out and open for whatever hides in the shadows.

And this is how he found her.