I Knew I Was Out Of Luck The Day The Music Died

I am currently in the process of baking. There is something comforting in baking. I like to get my hands right into the dough. It's reminiscent of childhood, not afraid to get your hands right into the dirt or mud. Baking also reminds me of times when I was eager to lick the spoon/bowl/beater after my mom was done and had the cookies or cake in the oven.

I miss being a child. Things were so simple. Now, I just have baking and the occasional private moments where I can talk to stuffed animals or sing to myself, or even play make believe. Where does our imaginations go as we age? I know many say they won't or wouldn't lose it. But I see it fading in familiar eyes. The hardships of being an adult takes their toll on everyone... Has it taken a toll on me too? I would like to say no, but sometimes I feel like it's all slipping away. The dreams, the joy of simple things.

Last night I had a moment of childhood I had forgotten. The hyper sleepover mode. Where you are just so excited to be away from home, with one of your best friends. You want to make the most of it. You don't want to fall asleep until dawn breaks. The happiest part of feeling this way again, was that I shared it with Tony. That may sound odd, but it made me so happy. That there is the magic, that I am so comfortable to be me, that he could be one of the best friends I could ever have. Aside from my mother. :)

Anyways, the cookies are calling me back to the oven.

Cheers for now!

Bottom Of My Pants Are Wet. Damn.

This morning (or early afternoon I should say!) I put in the effort to blow dry my hair and add volumizer. Thinking my hair looked that of a movie starlet, I happily left the house with Tony (after my freakout that I had no clothes, of course! lol) For once, it wasn't raining when I left the apartment, and when I looked towards downtown Vancouver, there was sunlight above it peeking through the clouds. Somehow, I knew this was fleeting... but somehow, to my amazement, it didn't rain at all while I was downtown (*note: I was only downtown for an hour and a half though*)

My mistake it would seem, was getting on the seabus to go back to North Shore.. Or maybe it was my luck? All I know is half way through my seabus ride, there was a huge flash over the downtown skyline. Grreeaaaat, lightning. I expected huge fat raindrops to be falling down at all angles when I got off the seabus only to find... nothing. No rain. I thank my lucky stars, and head up the hill home.

One drop.
Few more drops.
'Almost there, it's not too bad, maybe I can stop in for a slurpee'

Perhaps that was fate telling me that I am to stay away from slurpee. It's sad really, Me and the slurpee are star crossed lovers. Tragically thrown apart by mother nature. Or at least, Mother Nature is punishing me for getting a slurpee, because as soon as I came out of 7-11. It was pouring. The two minute walk to my apartment got me soaked. The rain drops kept getting fatter and fatter. I swear I got brain freeze from the rain and wind on my forehead rather than my slurpee. It was the kind of unsuspecting rainstorm that makes two past lovers rekindle their flame and have lots of good sex (if you don't get that movie reference, you have a penis.)

I sludged my way in my soaking wet clothes up the stairs to my apartment and inspect the damage to the hair I was so proud of in the morning. It's wet... but not so much that I look like the drowned rat... Just enough wetness that I looked like some sexy screen goddess, that somehow manages to look beautiful in a rainstorm. Or like I have been rolling around on a beach and my hair is wet from sea water (minus the sand).

Now I am going to sit and watch some Ugly Betty, while listening to the occasional thunder.

Cheers

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I transferred to a new store thinking I would be welcomed like I have been everywhere else I have worked. I was wrong. Very wrong. If I don't attempt to start small chit chat or anything of the like, there is complete silence on the floor. If I am off the floor, the girls won't stop gabbing away about their nights out downtown in their expensive dresses and gossiping about boys and mutual friends. I felt ultra shunned today. I walked out of the back room to overhear the girls talking about hours. As soon as I came out the conversation was done. To help anyone who may be reading this to understand what I am talking about.. I was told on my very first day in the store by another barista that people were probably not going to be nice to me. They don't want to like me. That in their eyes, I am stealing their hours.

After that I have heard from a couple other baristas that they need more hours.. I didn't intend to take hours from anyone. Nor do I believe I am, I am replacing a shift supervisor in their store. Not to mention, I understand the feeling of not having enough hours to pay rent and bills all too well. When I hear them gossiping about it from across the room, they make it sound like "So&So has rent to pay and she isnt getting enough hours" What do you want me to do? Give her my hours so I can't afford to live too? Why must you glare and stare at me when I try to talk?

Maybe this has been a good thing. Now I go to work to be at work, and I leave right away. No jokes, no chit chat, no lingering. Not even for a partner beverage. All I want is to get out of there. The only person who has made me feel completely welcome is the Manager.

**Sigh**

On another note: My current roommate might be leaving. It's beautiful isn't it? My luck with roommates. I believe I was the last to know that he was thinking of leaving. Granted, this time it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Refreshing. I don't know if I am happy or sad to hear this news. I mean, if he does leave. I will be moving in with Tony. I used to think there was a set time limit to how long you have been dating before you can move in together. But now I am stupidly in love and that logic is out the window. My mother thinks that if it's what we both want and we feel it's a natural next step then it should be okay.

But it frightens me. No, not because I am an only child or as my mother thinks I love my space. (I really need to talk to someone other than my mother about these things... lol) but this would be the first time I have ever lived with a boyfriend. What if I do things wrong? What if I don't give him enough space? What if my living habits drive him up the wall and vice versa?

I should stop worrying and keep faith. We already spend tons of time together and sure, we occasionally fight (mostly because I am being whiny) but for the most part. It seems good. It feels right. And I completely head over heels.

Okay... nap time now.

November is here and with it a feeling that I don't belong. I feel lost again. Everyone has their group or their couple close friends that they hang out with all the time... I don't have that. Is it foolish to watch shows like how I met your mother and wish I had a close group like that? Why do I always find myself on the outside of circles. I have been trying to think of ways that I might repel people... I can't figure it out..

I am lonely and don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Tony and he is always there for me.. But he can't always be the one I turn to. Hmm.. Maybe I am just thinking too much. I just feel cut off from so many people that I care about and I didn't realize it until halloween.. Dammit.  

life  is what you make of it right?

All Hallow's Eve

Happy Halloween 2009!!

Unfortunately, I will not be getting the chance to dress up again this year. Last year I moved on Halloween, this year I am aiding my boyfriend in preventing a party at his place. Does this make me boring? One of my coworkers sure made me feel so. But granted, I partied hard in college.. shouldn't I slow down now? A part of me wants to slow down but there is still a part of me that wants to grab the bottle of rum and drink her face off. Is it wrong to miss the happy buzzed feeling that overwhelms the system? Is it a bad thing to crave that feeling again?

Dare I say it... I miss AKA House... I miss so much. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with how things are going with Tony but I miss being close to my friends on the island. I miss Kaitlyn, I miss Alleah, I miss Steph... I actually miss the "acquaintances" from the theatre program. I even feel I am missing friends here on the mainland.. I miss Christy. I haven't seen her in like a month.... longer... I haven't seen her since before our birthdays.

As much as I hated school. I miss seeing friends on a daily basis. Now my world is filled with acquaintances. I feel so far from everyone... it makes me feel so thankful to have Tony so close to me and willing to spend his time with me. I am so appreciative of everything he has brought to my life.

Speaking of the boyface. I need to go pick him up at the Quay now! Cheers!!

Amber Rambles On..

and yet, I can't help but wonder...

Life felt decent today. I went through the work day just fine with a smile on my face. If I do get to transfer I will miss some of the partners I have worked with. But for the most part, I will be happy to leave that location. *Keeps fingers crossed* It will be weird not going downtown nearly everyday when I do :(

Out with the old and in with the new roommate. So far, living with Dave has been pretty lax. Tony actually enjoys coming over now and I don't live in some crazed fear of running into her or having her know I am even home. I felt bad for Dave, he had to a few weeks around her. I think he tried to do exactly as I did. Hide. *shrugs* But now she has gone to Winnipeg or some other boring place.

If anyone still reads my blog anymore... I am going to tell you to check out thisman.org I find it fascinating. I have never seen him in my dreams but it doesn't mean no one else has. I thought some of you might find it interesting especially Alleah! Anyways, I guess I am rambling and nothing I am saying is really a feast for the mind. (Is it ever?)

Cheers for now.

amber thoughts

Sometimes all I can ask myself is: what the hell is wrong with me? I honestly feel that I might be horribly unbalanced in the head. Which leads me to the question of why do I lash out with emotion? Why can't I just hold back?

Currently, I am scared. What's new about that, right?  But how can I stop this feeling.. The thought of Him letting her back into his life... It makes me queasy.. However, this could be an Amber over-reaction which seems to happen often in my life. It seems the harder I fall for Him the more scared and vulnerable I feel. I am sure when I see him next he will tell me different than what my  mind is hissing at me.

being in love has got to be the most frightening thing in the world... I feel as vulnerable as a little animal with no way to defend myself. I wonder, always wondering, what does He think? Does he feel as vulnerable as me? How does He feel?

I wish my mind would just shut up... So I can nap...