Do You See Yourself In A Crowded Room?

Here is my post to end 2010... Not that I posted much, my heart isn't in to it since my old blog got deleted... so many memories documented, that are now gone. For some odd reason, I haven't documented all this years memories. Though I would say there were a lot. I guess.

It's new years eve and I just got home from work. Buses were all crowded full of rowdy and drunk people heading to parties or downtown.. Groups of friends all together. I felt alone. Tony's at work so I am ringing in the new year alone.

I was debating on drinking but I don't want to be that person who drinks alone... especially after that one time I did. The mourning of AKA House... I was the last person in the house and it was so empty that I just drank all day... Geoffrey luckily saved me... I wonder sometimes, if he wasn't there, if I could have possibly drowned in my own vomit and died... Because I was so haggard that night... I never want that to happen again but I find myself feeling sorrowful lately with no real cure.

I miss drinking. When I drink with Tony it's not the same. I miss how I used to drink... but if that's the only way I can enjoy drinking then what does that say about me? Why am I so stupid that I can't figure out how to enjoy a drink and have a good time with my boyfriend? I don't know how to behave while drinking when I am with someone.

I miss Kaitlyn... I miss having friends. I have been trying to make some with people I work with but our schedules are so conflicting. My life lacks the social element I had when going to school. I miss booze, I miss parties, I miss getting dressed up, I miss so much. I feel like I am boring now. That there is no spark in me. When I asked customers what their new years plans were a few of them told me nothing because their old farts, they are just gonna hide out at home... what does that say about me? I am 23 and hiding out at home... Hiding from the other drunks...

I was gonna meet Tony at the station... but he thought it would be better if I stayed at home... Safe...

That is my life now. Safe. Boring. Lonely.

Lucky for me, there is no cola in the house and I am too much of a pussy to drink my liquor without mix...

Ringing Ears: Check. Stiff Neck: Check. Sore Nose: Check.

All symptoms from a metal show.

I went to see Nevermore last night at the Red Room (which is also a nightclub). Which most likely explains the girl at the end of my story... but first I should start at the beginning.

The first band, Blackguard, was a pirate metal band from Montreal. I loved their look and enthusiasm. It was a shame they went first because everyone was still warming into what the night would become, and they seemed like a band that should have had a decent pit. Instead of what it is, the lead singer was running around the circle pit and trying his best to start one. I just really dug the band and their synchronized windmilling! <3

The second band was Warbringer, I liked their music, but they didn't have the same presence as the first band, and the pit was growing for them. One of the dude's in the band looked like a metal version of Dave Grohl.

After watching the first two acts, I thought, why not, yes why not try to see what happens if I get on the floor for Nevermore. We got pretty close to the front, but to the side more so I could put my sweater on the steps by the stage, and stay far from the pit... I thought I was in a safe spot... but I was wrong.

Tony hung on to my hips to protect the back of me from the pit which seemed to keep growing and as the set went on... throwing themselves into the people who manned the front lines. Also a guy to my left helped Tony protect me. For the most part I was able to hold my own, and I only got shifted over a couple times, for the most part I was close to where I started. At one point Tony decided to enter the pit. While he was gone I got elbowed in the head and on my shoulder (but the guy apologized) and I got hit by a guy's back in the nose when he threw himself back from the stage... but still this isn't what made me pissed off...

This really drunk smelly guy in a leather jacket was trying to push himself up front and kept trying to elbow his way up. Elbowing Tony tons until Elbowing me. But I was unwilling to give up my spot, so I pushed him away when he elbowed me a bit too hard. To which Tony also jumped to my defense, and pushed the guy away and for a moment I thought the guy was gonna punch Tony, but Tony was all "we don't need your elbow in the show" and the drunk guy calmed down a bit... but still threw himself around. But this still isn't what pissed me off...

No what made me pissed off was the encore. Nevermore was great! Everything was great!! I started thinking I could handle a Metal show then some dumb skank club rat looking girl decided to throw herself into my area from the steps. She kept putting her arm around people's necks from far away. One guy didn't seem to care until she nearly choked him because we all got pushed over by the pit. Then she tried clinging to this other guy who had pushed himself beside me, and he kept trying to shove her arm away so then she tried reaching further... and started trying to grab at the girl in front of me (which for some reason I felt compelled to protect) so I pulled the bitch's arm off the girl and yelled at her not to f**king touch her. Right after that the people from the pit threw themselves and everyone sorta got pushed over, so I probably rammed into her a bit hard. Thinking she was eventually going to leave me alone now... I went back to the show, when I felt a foot against my leg... she was actually trying to kick me but with her leg out from behind her, trying to be subtle... when she did it a second time I grabbed hold of her leg, without letting go, I twisted it a little... and then pushed her away. Tony hearing she kicked me elbowed her pretty hard and pushed her away from me (also imagine all sorts of profanities and name calling coming from my mouth) Then this HUGE guy (I am assuming after getting some sort of story from the skank) started protecting her... and when she complained about getting pushed by Tony assumed it was me and he fucking pushed me and this guy was over 6 feet... I am only 5'3'' he was a giant compared to me and the f***in' bastard shoved me... when he did, I tried to grab on to anything as to not fall over... and I accidentally grabbed his hair and in result, ended up pulling his hair... Then Tony pushed him back as did I. And Tony yelled out about "who the f*** kicks someone" After all this, the show finally ended. Tony grabbed my sweater as quick as he could and we were f**king out of there.

We went to sevvie to get a slurpee, I fixed my makeup and we headed to the station. I saw the guy who helped Tony to protect for the first part of Nevermore's set. I wanted to thank them if they were on our seabus, but unfortunately we missed that seabus :(

Once finally home. Ears were ringing. Ordered Andreas. Relaxed. Woke up with an uber stiff neck. As well as a sore nose when anything touches it.

But I survived, and I actually feel good letting everything I had out on that fucking bitch...

:)

I like metal shows, but I don't think I will be going to another one for awhile :P

She Had Something To Confess To But You Don't Have The Time

Inconsistent posts. I realize that. Not like I have many readers. But I do know I have at least one faithful one. *smiles*

I found out today that margarine can go moldy. Not a happy discovery. But one I have now made. I don't know why I thought margarine would never go bad. But seeing mold on margarine really was strange. Sort of makes me feel nauseous. Tony and I waste a lot of food it seems. I am not even totally sure how we manage to waste so much.

I house-sat for my cousin for a week and it was so wonderful. I felt ashamed coming back home. Her place is so nice and made me feel like ours was a dump. While on the island, I wanted to see Alleah... that never happened. I ran into one of my exes and it was the most awkward thing ever. And I have had my fair share of awkward moments. He seemed shaky. I felt trapped... like how do I escape this situation. Stuck in the deli section of the grocery store... all I wanted was a sandwich! Honestly, what were the odds. Later on in the week, I ran into Biff. He looked so good and slim. It was so nice seeing him... but again it was slightly awkward. I felt like I looked like a mess... and I can never tell who is my friend and who isn't these days.

Someone I played Halo with (I know.. I am a dork) was telling me that I need to have more faith in people because I was doubting everything he said, and was skeptical about anything nice he had to say. Perhaps that is true. But if I believe in people I can be let down. But then again, if I don't, I may never be truly happy. I am happy with Tony.. for sure, but I am scared he will leave me like everyone else seems to. He tells me not to think this way and I am trying, but that little thought is in there, lingering.

random post.. sorry..

Just As Long As You Stand By Me

You just blew my mind. I love you so much.

another broken promise.

I Met Her At The Biltmore

Sometimes it takes so much courage even just to say something nice to someone.

Earlier today, on my way to work. I saw this girl. and she had a funky style. I dug it. It had some 80s thrown in. With pirate and punk. I loved it! Anyways, she was on my bus on my way home tonight!! Wearing a funky coat (that again, I was totally digging). I sat there two seats behind her. Trying to convince myself that I could be brave enough to give this lovely and funky girl a compliment. Finally I pulled the string for my stop and decided fuck it! LETS DO IT! As I went to get off the bus I told her that it may seem weird but I saw her on my bus on the way to work too, and I wanted to tell her that I dig her look. It's unique and fresh to see :) (especially compared to all the skank wear I usually see on Fridays lol)...

She gave me a huge smile, and seemed very happy that I complimented her. She thanked me and I got off the bus feeling happy to make someone smile! I mean, I make people smile all the time at work.. But it's nice to make a complete stranger that has nothing to do with me whatsoever happy.

I went to the Zolas on Wednesday night with my coworker/friend Lauren. She is so cute and innocent. She baked cookies for the lead singer/guitarist, Zach. THEY WERE SO GOOD! Gingerbread with chocolate chips! Nyum nyums. Anyways, he gave her a shout out on stage. I did my best to give her a good night. But I can tell she was a bit sad she didn't get to really talk to him. It's hard when she's shy and quiet. I tried to give her liquid courage.. but to no avail :(

BUT THE SHOW WAS AWESOME!!! I almost got elbowed in the face numerous times by Zach (because for their last two songs.. they were down in the audience playing lol) People wouldn't back up to give me space to give Zach space so that he didn't elbow me in the face!! Eventually he stepped back and I lost my balance and fell into some people and they finally realised they should give Amber some space.

And another thing I loved... was the Biltmore itself. It had a vibe similar to 70 Below yet was totally different and unique. I definately love the place and intend to bring all my island friends out there. Especially next time the Zolas play! I also decided that if for any reason, Tony and I have to move from our place out in the Cove, I fully intend to move near Broadway and or Main

I NEED TO LIVE NEAR THE RIO AND THE BILTMORE!! They are now my two favorite places and it takes FOREVER to get to and from either of them when being stuck in the Cove. Let alone being on the North Shore in general!

Anyways, that's enough for this blogpost.. I have some other things to attend to.

CHEERIO!

P.S. If you haven't checked out the Zolas yet.. .then DO SO!

Time Is Not On Our Side

I haven't been to a funeral since I was a child. Since my grandma and my great grandma. I remember being so scared when it was an open casket. Thankfully, tomorrow it won't be. Another Uncle of mine has died this year. First it was Uncle Keith... now it's my great uncle Wally. It hasn't really hit me yet. I haven't cried. Which is odd, I am usually the one who cries about everything. It scares me that I haven't really cried much about his passing. I mean, I knew he was really sick.. and he looked so fragile last time I saw him... But shouldn't I be more upset. Did I really drift that far away from my family? I remember the family being so close when I was young. When we would all gather for Christmas dinner at Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Wally's house. Back when great grandpa and great grandma were alive. When I didn't know family drama. Sometimes, I wish to go back to being the naive child I once was.

When will it hit me? If it was anyone else would I cry right away? As it stands, I personally don't feel I could lose my other family members without falling to complete pieces.. Like I cannot imagine losing my mom, my dad, my aunty velma, my uncle nello, or my cousins: Tianna and Chris... like I would be devastated to lose any of them. So why am I not devestated about Uncle Wally?

Tomorrow, I hope for the rain, and not the sunshine.