I Knew I Was Out Of Luck The Day The Music Died

I am currently in the process of baking. There is something comforting in baking. I like to get my hands right into the dough. It's reminiscent of childhood, not afraid to get your hands right into the dirt or mud. Baking also reminds me of times when I was eager to lick the spoon/bowl/beater after my mom was done and had the cookies or cake in the oven.

I miss being a child. Things were so simple. Now, I just have baking and the occasional private moments where I can talk to stuffed animals or sing to myself, or even play make believe. Where does our imaginations go as we age? I know many say they won't or wouldn't lose it. But I see it fading in familiar eyes. The hardships of being an adult takes their toll on everyone... Has it taken a toll on me too? I would like to say no, but sometimes I feel like it's all slipping away. The dreams, the joy of simple things.

Last night I had a moment of childhood I had forgotten. The hyper sleepover mode. Where you are just so excited to be away from home, with one of your best friends. You want to make the most of it. You don't want to fall asleep until dawn breaks. The happiest part of feeling this way again, was that I shared it with Tony. That may sound odd, but it made me so happy. That there is the magic, that I am so comfortable to be me, that he could be one of the best friends I could ever have. Aside from my mother. :)

Anyways, the cookies are calling me back to the oven.

Cheers for now!

Bottom Of My Pants Are Wet. Damn.

This morning (or early afternoon I should say!) I put in the effort to blow dry my hair and add volumizer. Thinking my hair looked that of a movie starlet, I happily left the house with Tony (after my freakout that I had no clothes, of course! lol) For once, it wasn't raining when I left the apartment, and when I looked towards downtown Vancouver, there was sunlight above it peeking through the clouds. Somehow, I knew this was fleeting... but somehow, to my amazement, it didn't rain at all while I was downtown (*note: I was only downtown for an hour and a half though*)

My mistake it would seem, was getting on the seabus to go back to North Shore.. Or maybe it was my luck? All I know is half way through my seabus ride, there was a huge flash over the downtown skyline. Grreeaaaat, lightning. I expected huge fat raindrops to be falling down at all angles when I got off the seabus only to find... nothing. No rain. I thank my lucky stars, and head up the hill home.

One drop.
Few more drops.
'Almost there, it's not too bad, maybe I can stop in for a slurpee'

Perhaps that was fate telling me that I am to stay away from slurpee. It's sad really, Me and the slurpee are star crossed lovers. Tragically thrown apart by mother nature. Or at least, Mother Nature is punishing me for getting a slurpee, because as soon as I came out of 7-11. It was pouring. The two minute walk to my apartment got me soaked. The rain drops kept getting fatter and fatter. I swear I got brain freeze from the rain and wind on my forehead rather than my slurpee. It was the kind of unsuspecting rainstorm that makes two past lovers rekindle their flame and have lots of good sex (if you don't get that movie reference, you have a penis.)

I sludged my way in my soaking wet clothes up the stairs to my apartment and inspect the damage to the hair I was so proud of in the morning. It's wet... but not so much that I look like the drowned rat... Just enough wetness that I looked like some sexy screen goddess, that somehow manages to look beautiful in a rainstorm. Or like I have been rolling around on a beach and my hair is wet from sea water (minus the sand).

Now I am going to sit and watch some Ugly Betty, while listening to the occasional thunder.

Cheers

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I transferred to a new store thinking I would be welcomed like I have been everywhere else I have worked. I was wrong. Very wrong. If I don't attempt to start small chit chat or anything of the like, there is complete silence on the floor. If I am off the floor, the girls won't stop gabbing away about their nights out downtown in their expensive dresses and gossiping about boys and mutual friends. I felt ultra shunned today. I walked out of the back room to overhear the girls talking about hours. As soon as I came out the conversation was done. To help anyone who may be reading this to understand what I am talking about.. I was told on my very first day in the store by another barista that people were probably not going to be nice to me. They don't want to like me. That in their eyes, I am stealing their hours.

After that I have heard from a couple other baristas that they need more hours.. I didn't intend to take hours from anyone. Nor do I believe I am, I am replacing a shift supervisor in their store. Not to mention, I understand the feeling of not having enough hours to pay rent and bills all too well. When I hear them gossiping about it from across the room, they make it sound like "So&So has rent to pay and she isnt getting enough hours" What do you want me to do? Give her my hours so I can't afford to live too? Why must you glare and stare at me when I try to talk?

Maybe this has been a good thing. Now I go to work to be at work, and I leave right away. No jokes, no chit chat, no lingering. Not even for a partner beverage. All I want is to get out of there. The only person who has made me feel completely welcome is the Manager.

**Sigh**

On another note: My current roommate might be leaving. It's beautiful isn't it? My luck with roommates. I believe I was the last to know that he was thinking of leaving. Granted, this time it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Refreshing. I don't know if I am happy or sad to hear this news. I mean, if he does leave. I will be moving in with Tony. I used to think there was a set time limit to how long you have been dating before you can move in together. But now I am stupidly in love and that logic is out the window. My mother thinks that if it's what we both want and we feel it's a natural next step then it should be okay.

But it frightens me. No, not because I am an only child or as my mother thinks I love my space. (I really need to talk to someone other than my mother about these things... lol) but this would be the first time I have ever lived with a boyfriend. What if I do things wrong? What if I don't give him enough space? What if my living habits drive him up the wall and vice versa?

I should stop worrying and keep faith. We already spend tons of time together and sure, we occasionally fight (mostly because I am being whiny) but for the most part. It seems good. It feels right. And I completely head over heels.

Okay... nap time now.

November is here and with it a feeling that I don't belong. I feel lost again. Everyone has their group or their couple close friends that they hang out with all the time... I don't have that. Is it foolish to watch shows like how I met your mother and wish I had a close group like that? Why do I always find myself on the outside of circles. I have been trying to think of ways that I might repel people... I can't figure it out..

I am lonely and don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Tony and he is always there for me.. But he can't always be the one I turn to. Hmm.. Maybe I am just thinking too much. I just feel cut off from so many people that I care about and I didn't realize it until halloween.. Dammit.  

life  is what you make of it right?

All Hallow's Eve

Happy Halloween 2009!!

Unfortunately, I will not be getting the chance to dress up again this year. Last year I moved on Halloween, this year I am aiding my boyfriend in preventing a party at his place. Does this make me boring? One of my coworkers sure made me feel so. But granted, I partied hard in college.. shouldn't I slow down now? A part of me wants to slow down but there is still a part of me that wants to grab the bottle of rum and drink her face off. Is it wrong to miss the happy buzzed feeling that overwhelms the system? Is it a bad thing to crave that feeling again?

Dare I say it... I miss AKA House... I miss so much. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with how things are going with Tony but I miss being close to my friends on the island. I miss Kaitlyn, I miss Alleah, I miss Steph... I actually miss the "acquaintances" from the theatre program. I even feel I am missing friends here on the mainland.. I miss Christy. I haven't seen her in like a month.... longer... I haven't seen her since before our birthdays.

As much as I hated school. I miss seeing friends on a daily basis. Now my world is filled with acquaintances. I feel so far from everyone... it makes me feel so thankful to have Tony so close to me and willing to spend his time with me. I am so appreciative of everything he has brought to my life.

Speaking of the boyface. I need to go pick him up at the Quay now! Cheers!!

Amber Rambles On..

and yet, I can't help but wonder...

Life felt decent today. I went through the work day just fine with a smile on my face. If I do get to transfer I will miss some of the partners I have worked with. But for the most part, I will be happy to leave that location. *Keeps fingers crossed* It will be weird not going downtown nearly everyday when I do :(

Out with the old and in with the new roommate. So far, living with Dave has been pretty lax. Tony actually enjoys coming over now and I don't live in some crazed fear of running into her or having her know I am even home. I felt bad for Dave, he had to a few weeks around her. I think he tried to do exactly as I did. Hide. *shrugs* But now she has gone to Winnipeg or some other boring place.

If anyone still reads my blog anymore... I am going to tell you to check out thisman.org I find it fascinating. I have never seen him in my dreams but it doesn't mean no one else has. I thought some of you might find it interesting especially Alleah! Anyways, I guess I am rambling and nothing I am saying is really a feast for the mind. (Is it ever?)

Cheers for now.

amber thoughts

Sometimes all I can ask myself is: what the hell is wrong with me? I honestly feel that I might be horribly unbalanced in the head. Which leads me to the question of why do I lash out with emotion? Why can't I just hold back?

Currently, I am scared. What's new about that, right?  But how can I stop this feeling.. The thought of Him letting her back into his life... It makes me queasy.. However, this could be an Amber over-reaction which seems to happen often in my life. It seems the harder I fall for Him the more scared and vulnerable I feel. I am sure when I see him next he will tell me different than what my  mind is hissing at me.

being in love has got to be the most frightening thing in the world... I feel as vulnerable as a little animal with no way to defend myself. I wonder, always wondering, what does He think? Does he feel as vulnerable as me? How does He feel?

I wish my mind would just shut up... So I can nap...

Wake Up, Wake Up, This is Heaven on Earth

I hate when I pass out earlier than him. I try so hard to stay awake... But to no avail.  When I wake up in a.m. after passing out the night before. I feel upset that I fell asleep... That I lost  time with him and I curse my body and its need for sleep. It's just silly to be upset over it I know.. But we make our plans for what we want to do and I can't stay awake long enough..  Perhaps this happens because I don't nap anymore. Whatever the reason I must find out and fix it. I don't like waking up this way.

You May Be a Sinner But Your Innocence is Mine

I am a nerd. 'why?' you may ask... I am blogging from my palm pre while on the bus. Technology is bad bad baaaaaaaad! I feel confused about my wants when it comes to work.. But if I get to transfer it will be such a good thing! Right? I think so, because finally Tony & I will get to do date ideas we have. We never have time for movies and the aquarium and going to see live bands play at some bar together because of our work schedules and having different days off. 


I am a little nervous at the moment though.. We have to spend a few weeks together due to my irksome roommate. I let Dave  have my room until she has cleared herself out and until she is out, I will be spending my nights at Tony's. Which is what is making me nervous. Will I be around too much? Maybe this will actually be a good learning experience for me.. to calm down and practise ''rational'' thinking!! Maybe this is where our different days off and work schedules will come in handy!

I feel content despite the nerves. I finally had my first slow dance! It was nice. I look forward to dancing close to him again. *hearts* I know it's silly  for me to  be so happy about a simple dance.. But it meant a lot to me.. Dancing with him under multi-coloured lights..  Close.. So close..

'they will see us waving from such great heights...'

It's Alright To Tell Me What You Think About Me

Sometimes I want revenge but I am reminded by a little voice in my head that I shouldn't bother. Be the "bigger man" and that Karma, will in fact one day bite them in the ass. However, being the impatient girl that I am, I cannot wait for Karma. I want to see results now. I am so sick of the two faced behavior that I find everywhere I go. Am I that bad? I mean naturally everyone is two faced BUT I am talking about the extreme cases... i.e. Someone who raves about how much they love you to your face and enjoy being around you but then can't wait to say bad things about you as soon as you turn your back. Even more of an extremity is when all I do is leave the room for one second and I can tell I am being bad-mouthed.

Today a blind man told me I had lousy customer service because I wouldn't give him the bathroom key (I was told never to give the bathroom key to anyone). Was I supposed to give him special treatment because he is blind? Maybe I am heartless? If I were blind maybe I would think I was lousy too. But he wasn't even a customer!!!! I think that's the thing that I dislike the most about the location I work at. It's not just customers, it's people constantly interrupting to ask where there is washrooms, it's people coming to me as if I know how to get to some place in Richmond or all the bus schedules. It says Coffee on my apron NOT transit/tourist info. I keep dreaming of working in a cafe store again and not a hole in the wall.. where people aren't constantly asking me for water/directions/a place to pee.

Sometimes I want to tell them it's in their pants. Other times I want to direct them to the east parking lot where everyone else seems to pee. Seriously, it reeks of urine out there ESPECIALLY on weekends.

Since I just complained enough, I suppose I should talk of happy thoughts. I think things are going well. I want it to work so bad. Though I suppose I have no control over it. I was watching the Newlywed Game and it amazed me that the woman on the show could be so calm about their husbands thinking that their breasts were too small, or their noses were tacky. Or knowing that their husband was attracted to one of their friends... I mean, I don't get it. Is that maturity? Am I really immature because I can't see myself being okay with those things. I mean... I don't want to know that the man I am with thinks my breasts are too small.. if he thought that.. why would he be with me? And I especially don't want to know his attraction to one of my friends!

I guess I still have some growing up to do... who am I kidding? I still have A LOT of growing up to do!!

Kiss Kiss Kiss Me!

I tend to over-react.

Is that an understatement or what?

Being aware of it is the first step towards fixing it right?

I will be turning 22 soon. I decided to go to the island where all my friends and family are. I am bring the boyface too. He amazes me everyday. Allow me to dweeb on for a moment. But he is so good to me. He makes me unbelievably happy. I just wish I didn't freak out so much.

I need to take time to draw back, focus my thoughts, and re-group then approach the situation.. Not just throw my emotions out there.

Just be patient with me. I am working on it ^_^

And You Don't Know What You've Done But I Will Give You A Clue

Hurt. Upset. Now turns to Anger. An inner rage. Keep it inside. No one wants to see the emotions in your eyes. Keep it inside or you will keep driving people away. Just feel cold. Just feel nothing. Seal the tears. Take everything you know yourself to be and seal it away. You are being forced to change. The situation has been turned around. Now you are looking like the bad guy. You are untrusting. You have no faith. It's always a problem with you isn't it?

But why is it your fault? The man said words that hurt. It hurt that the one you care about couldn't tell you that himself. Why did it have to come from someone else's mouth from his cell phone? Damn the man. Why did you have to get yelled at because someone hurt your feelings and you tried to explain?

Back to first person... I was being trusting! Trust is not the issue here. Why does it seem that I am the only person who isn't cool with people backing out on plans made. No! Before you say that me wanting you to come home to me isn't being trusting... well guess what. I don't want you to come home to me because I am scared you will go home with some bimbo. NO! That is not the case... I am wanting you to come home to me. Because you are going to be getting turned on looking at the girls shake their stuff at you. And because you will be getting all horny. I would love for you to take that energy and bring it home to me.

I am going to trust you when you say it's all his idea. And not trust or listen to what he said. But if you actually wanted to, why can't you say so yourself? I don't like my plans getting snubbed for something else..

I wish people could spend a day in my head. To feel as I do... then.. and only then do you have the right to tell me to change how I feel.


I don't like being made out to be the bad guy... the bitchy girlfriend... so not cool.

Hanging By A Moment Here With You

There are so many moments in life I never want to forget. I never want to forget how happy I feel to be curled up on his lap on the couch outside. Or the joy when I wake up next to him. The other night we went to some playground. I had two little moments I want to cherish forever. The mini re-enactment of Romeo & Juliet's balcony scene with my protrayal of Romeo (knowing most of the lines) and Tony's Juliet only know the line of "Romeo O Romeo Wherefore art thou Romeo".
And then again at the end when he told the Princess that it was time to leave. He had to fight an evil dragon to save the Princess and bring her home. I love that he can open his imagination with me. So much happiness for me in those moments... then why still this fear...

I think I know..

It sucks to be in love.

Because once you have said those words
And given the person your heart

You are instantly vulnerable

They could hurt you so easily.

And yet, instead of enjoying being in love,
I sit here and fret that im going to get hurt again

That he will do to me what he has done to other girls

That he will find the same flaw in me other people have and leave me
That I will lose him.. and he is someone that cannot be replaced.

I wish I could be more independant

I wish I could be calm, cool and collected

I wish...

I can't believe someone so amazing has come into my life..

Please fate... can I keep this happiness for awhile?

Waiting For Prince Charming To Get Off Work

Watching the fireworks from my bedroom window makes me feel even more like the trapped princess I always dreamt I was. Longing to step outside and be close to those fireworks...

He couldn't get the 1st off. He can't take me to the fireworks. It was kind of disappointing. I am trying not to let myself be upset though. I believe he is doing his best and I am sure there will be plenty of things like this we can do in the future. There I go again. Always in a rush to do things. I have this silly fear inside me that has me fearing that it won't last. Because I always fail at life. Who is to say I won't mess this one up. Breathe Amber Breathe. This one is different, this could be...

Pretty Princess don't fret.

Watch the pretty fireworks.

Not Even The Slurpee Can Cheer Her Up

For some odd reason, life doesn't ever want to come together for me.

I thought things were looking up. I thought I was getting on track. But nope. My residence is being swept up from under me again. I am so frustrated at the thought of moving again. My current roomie has been pestering me for months about taking over the lease. Just now, she decides to tell me that when before I can take over the lease, I need to pass a credit check. I know I don't have good credit standing right now... and a credit check will just hurt it even more.

I worry that life is never going to come together for me. That I am constantly going to be held back by something. This time my credit, next time who knows. I just want everything to feel right. As right as it feels when I am with him. But no, Amber's life is never going to be smooth sailing. Whenever something goes good in life, something bad has to happen.

I am so sick of living with strangers, I am so sick of being locked up in my room. I am sick of not being able to make myself a home...

Home is where the heart is, right?

And I'm So Happy When I See That You Are Smiling Back At Me

I have let go and damn does it feel good.

No lies. I do have hopes, high ones. Everything just feels so good in this relationship. Sometimes I mess up with my worrisome side but he is trying to be patient with me and I am continuing along down my path of bettering myself, of fully accepting myself and making the changes within me that I want to see happen. He doesn't try to change me, and I don't try to change him. We just accept eachother. It's nice.

Maybe this is the dream. Finally coming true.

...maybe.

If I Give My Heart To You

Those three simple days made me happy. Seeing the "evidence" of those simplicities makes me want to burst. Not going to lie, I watched the little video. Numerous times. I am completely twitterpated and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But I still find I am scared. Terrified of letting myself fall. True, I can't hide that I am falling. One part of me is trying so hard to just cling on and not let myself go. To not allow myself to become vulnerable to the heartbreak.

But living your life in fear isn't a good thing. I previously thought about trying to lose the fear... so then shouldn't I lose that fear as well? I should just let go and let this feeling rush over me. Forget the fear and focus on living now. The whole "no day but today" thing. "Forget regret or life is yours to miss" right? Oh Rent. I need to watch you again soon.

So many happy little butterflies fluttering around. So many smiles that reach my eyes. He could be the answer, he could be the wish come true.

kaleidoscope girl

All the colours, flashing before her eyes. Lying, in a field of indigo flowers staring up at her yellow sun. The petals keep changing colours. The ground slowly starts to turn into water. The girl allows herself to be swept away in the waves. Having no clue where she is going to end up next. The ocean pushes her along until she is lying on yellow sand. She shakes away from the blue water, tip toes past the black shadows to find herself showered in green. Feelings of renewal mixed with soothing sensations. It enters her eyes and is reflected back in a calm content. No madness showing. Just peaceful bliss.. Urges overcome her. The girl throws herself to the ground. Panting and writhing; wanting to be held, wanting nothing else but to share herself with this green world. She sheds her blue soaked clothes and her skin turns colours. The warm sun caresses. As her hands move across her body, her skin settles to a golden green colour. Such warmth, such pleasure, such happiness.

A flash of silver. She sits up and looks out in the distance. There is small hole in her colourful world. She crawls over to look through. Grey. An army of grey is approaching. This colourful world she found is in danger of fading. Grey matter seeps through that oh so tiny hole. She flinches away. Scared now, she tries to find something, anything, to plug up the hole. The girl doesn't want to lose this new world, she doesn't want to go back to being colourless. She tries to run, but the Grey is quick. She looks back to see how close it is, and doesn't notice the black puddle in front of her. She steps in and falls down, and down. Wind roars in her ears. There are no more colours except the colour shining brightly from her skin. The golden green is lost amongst the black. She hits the bottom of the hole and cries. Her tears are emeralds falling into nothingness. She curls up into a ball. Naked, cold. A beautiful green girl in darkness. Will she remain there forever?

Time passes by and everyday she tries to work her way out, skinning her hands and knees, bruising her body. Her hair grows longer and longer, resembling tangled vines. Her hair and nails have turned black. Grey works it's way up from her feet to her thighs. She gives up. Allows her body to collapse and willingly sacrifices her mind and body to the darkness. She lies there, eyes staring into space, her body sprawled out and open for whatever hides in the shadows.

And this is how he found her.

Drink Up Me Hearties Yo Ho!

I really hate waking up with my contacts still in. Especially considering they are about two years old and are meant to be only worn for one month. Usually when I drink, I drink with people who know and they make sure I take them out. Neither of the people I drank with last night clued in. That's alright but now I fear for my eyes again. Dammit.

I HAVE SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO MINI RANT ABOUT: Customers. Wtf mate! WHY!? I just want to know why you do things sometimes. For example: Why do you insist on putting your straw wrappers on my hand off plane instead of in the garbage can that is a FOOT AWAY FROM YOU!? Honestly, are you that lazy or do you really not see the TWO garbage cans right there? Yesterday, I handed out a Caramel Frappuccino and went to go make another frappuccino. Next thing I know one of the girls calls me over and points out that she spilt a good inch or two of her drink on the counter.. How does one spill a frappuccino like that all over the counter? IT"S LIDDED!! When I looked at the frappuccino in her hand, the lid was still on perfectly fine. More of a mystery to me was that so did her whip cream. It looked fine.... what?

I never understood why I can't sleep the night after drinking. Why instead I wake up early. Back in the old days of AKA it seemed everyone would wake up early. We would all be chatting right now and then on our way to breakfast. But now, out of that house. Whenever I drink. I am usually awake, sitting and watching all the people around me sleep. Monica slept on the floor, I wish she slept on the bed. It makes me sad to see her on the floor... but she has plenty of pillows and blankets to keep warm. Tony is doing his normal sleeping thing in my bed. I think the only thing that is different is the fact that he is actually wearing pants this time! HA!

Hmmm... I want breakfast... I wonder if I wake them up...

And I Didn't Understand When You Reached Out To Take My Hand

Is this just temporary blindness... It seems I have fallen back into the habit of ignoring my problems and debt. I procrastinated doing my taxes.. I really need to get on that. Otherwise, I am going to be screwed on my next paycheck with another garnishment of $200..

Focus Amber. Get your life sorted. Get your mind sorted.
I just don't feel like there is any space in my head for terribly negative thoughts or thoughts of problems. When I near the siren, she leaks some of the dark thoughts. That's got to be a bad sign. I can't avoid the Siren. I need to be there.

I wonder why she was so negative in thinking. Is there something I can do to help her? Because I am very much sensitive to many things. When she voiced her doubting opinion. I felt the doubt too. I had to shake it off and believe. Have faith. That was a mistake I had made many times before. No trust. I will trust. I will learn to trust and have faith. I can. Shrug off the fear. Fear has no place in a smile. Fear and Doubt should have no place in my eyes when I look at him.

Is it bad that I can't even read my own thoughts right now? My mind is clouded over and I really can't concentrate very well. I keep trying to think but as soon as I catch the string of one thought it snaps and flies away.

Maybe I will head down to the Quay now. Feel the refreshing rain fall on my face.

I love the rain.

Forget Regret or Life Is Yours To Miss

I inspected my roommate's couch today. Saw no evidence of Monica's night. I suppose that's good. What a night that was. I really wish I remembered more of it. It's a shame about the noise complaint. Most of my apartment is up at that time in the morning anyways. My roommate said I woke her up too... Like I care. IT WAS A FRIDAY! Oh dearie me!

Speaking of frustrations... my pants are annoying me. Mainly because I have been losing weight. Therefore, my pants keep slipping and I honestly dislike wearing belts but I have no more money for new clothes.. I shouldn't be complaining. I am happy that I am losing weight. It's a goal I wanted to achieve, and it's happening. How I am doing it, I don't know! It just happened!

A lot of things just keep happening. I don't even know where to begin with the random timing life has for me. I feel somewhat bad about it. Mainly, Judgements from others make me feel bad. I see it in their eyes or hear it somewhere in their voice. Even if they are just joking.. there is judgement behind their voice. But I know, I know. Who cares what everyone else thinks, right? As long as I am happy. Honestly, I am so happy I am surprised I haven't been bursting with rainbows and sunshine. But I need to slow down, I can't allow myself to rush this along like I do with everything. I need to let things unfurl in their own way.

Life, take me where you will.

My Thoughts Were So Loud I Couldn't Hear My Mouth

Apparently, the new shade of Amber is red. I am sunburnt. It doesn't hurt now.. but everyone assures me, it's going to hurt tomorrow. Today, I hung out with an old friend I hadn't seen since highschool. It was nice. I tried my best to shut off my thoughts, and for the most part it worked. Then I didn't want to go home, so I stuck around my store. Probably annoying everyone, but oh well. I didn't want to be at home alone with my thoughts. I ended up being at the station all the way past close. But nicely, I had people to hang out with. Coworkers and security guards. 

It's weird, but when chilling out at the station, I noticed guys check me out or give me a couple looks. It made me feel a little better, knowing that hey, I am still a pretty girl. Yet, I still felt little pangs of heartache throughout the night. I want to learn. I want to be happy.

I want to figure things out yet I want to shut out my thoughts.

I need to make up my mind.

I Will Try To Find My Place

I thought things might have been turning around. Apparently, I am unobservant. It's over now. Yet instead of crying my face off, I was just sitting here, calmly. While discussing the situation, I cried a few tears. But nothing serious. Waking up this morning, I nearly forgot all about it. Until I was fully aware of the day.

I know I need to work on myself, but suddenly, I don't have the motivation. In some ways I do... but not enough to push myself to make the changes. 

I am not quite sure what to think... I question even wanting to think. I just know I am going to miss certain things. Like having someone to play ds with on the seabus, skytrain and in bed (we were dorks, I know). I'm going to miss having kisses, but if I work on myself, surely, one day, there will be someone to give me the kisses I will be craving. I will miss his surprises. He surprised me so much this past week or so. Both good and bad. Mostly good ones. Until last night, of course.

Last night, before I left him, we were waiting for my skytrain, and we were kissing. I asked him what he called that kiss, and he would answer with "peck", "passionnate peck" etc, so I kept trying to change it up... then my skytrain came, and I asked "will you show me the goodbye kiss"

and he kissed me goodbye..

I honestly couldn't of asked for a sweeter goodbye kiss. At that moment, I didn't know it was the very last, but looking back on it, I am happy it was..

I asked him once.

I asked him, what he thought us meeting meant.
After all, I am not a fan of "fate" and "destiny"

He said "luck"

I believed him, but now my feelings have changed.
Now I know...
It's just bad timing.

What Did I Say Wrong This Time!?

People are confusing. Doesn't matter what gender they are. Either way, they still manage to befuddle me.  Maybe I am just bad at reading signs, or I just read way to far into them. Where is the happy medium?

Why can't I just learn to shut my trap sometimes? It seems I always dig myself in some form of a hole. Right now, the hole I am in, is very deep. Quite a few different shovels helped me out to get where I am.  Everynow and then, I think, I could possibly climb my way out, I can see the light at the top, I can almost breath the fresh air.... all of a sudden, the dirt gives way and I fall back down with a mouth full of dirt. 

It isn't pleasant. But I keep trying. I just don't understand what motivates people. I want to understand what motivates people. I am trying to work on changing things in my life. Tomorrow I am going to finally file my taxes from the past three years. I am taming the green-eyed monster. 

And with each day passing.. I am realising.. I need to keep my mouth shut... because my thoughts never come across the right way. C'mon Amber, use your acting skills. Pretend everything is okay. You can do it!

Walk Along To Another Day.

What If he leaves?
What If I left too?

What if, what if, what if?

I am so sick and tired of What if's! I just want to live in the NOW for once. Forget the past, and don't think of the future! For so long I lived in the past, and thinking of what might have been. Then with Leo all I could think about was the future. What my future could look like... but right now I want to say f**k it! I want to live in the present. I want to live in now. I want to live life as it comes to me. I don't want to live in the past, and I don't want to think of my future. I want to live for now. I want to keep this happy feeling that I have when I am with him. I want to wake up tomorrow and learn something new & exciting about him and about myself.

Lately, I feel I have been learning so much. I am actually proud of how I have handled some things. Tonight was a bit of a setback for my behavior, but even then I handled it better than I used to be able to. Why should I have to lose this moment? 

This is life.. we are supposed to take it one day at a time.

Scared Of Being The Only Shadow I See Along A Wall

There is something about the night. I can't quite put my finger on the exact reason I love it. It's funny, I love walking at night, yet I am scared of the dark. I now realise it isn't the dark but what could be hidden in the dark that strikes me with fear. There is something calm about the world at night. There is something sad. Yet there are these beautiful twinkling stars. The trees are even beautiful when showered in the light from the intersection. I wanted to just lie on the sidewalk and listen to the pavement. Feel the night air on me. The shining stars twinkling along to their own music. The colour of the lights changing from red to green to yellow and back. 

I am starting to think there is something seriously wrong with me. Why do I find it so hard to let things go? Why can't I just be one of those laid back girls who never care? Or at least are really good at pretending not to care? Monica thinks I need to set up rules. But how do you attempt to do so without making it sound like you are trying to change them and control them. I feel confused. This all happened so suddenly. It feels right and wrong at the same time. There is no solid foundation. Yet I feel something.. something, maybe it's hope? Maybe it's fear. I want to let go of that fear... but am I afraid to even do so?

I am left wondering: What exactly is it I expect from people? I feel that my friends have tired of me. I am worried that I am tiring of me also. Where can I hide? How can  I avoid myself? What is it I am doing? What causes me to behave this way? Why can't I think rationally? Why am I so afraid of getting hurt?

A Stronger Shade of Amber

Each day and with each person I talk to, I am coping more and more!

I danced around my room for almost an hour in bliss singing along to what I have designated as my break up song. It's not like my other breakup song from when I broke up with Travis. This one spreads a smile on my face!!! 

Today I did something I have never done.. I spent my half outside in the sun listening to a busker. A girl I used to work with in Nanaimo randomly showed up and we decided to have a chat outside. I usually sit in the back room hiding, with my cell phone in hand, texting. The sun felt so warm. It seems I was following this weird path. It made me forget how wonderful life is. How the sun caresses the skin. The busker was amazing. He played Kim and I a song :) Very friendly. According to Kim, he plays there often. Plus, Kim lives in North Van too! So I should be able to have another friend to just chill with. It's weird that now that I am single I realise I have so many people who care. So many people who are my friends. Where were they when I was with him? No clue. But now I feel alive. I feel free. 

I am going to overcome the fear. Fear is what causes us to alienate ourselves from eachother. The fear it's everything. The fear is the cause of lonliness and so many more things. But no more. I am not going to let the fear control me. I am a fucking awesome person! I have amazing friends who care what's going on!! I have touched people's lives!!! 

I am Amber and you will not forget me!!

I Cannot Sleep I Cannot Dream Tonight

Everyone has an opinion as to what I should do now. Some say to be patient and his opinion might change. Some say that I should move on and replace him as soon as possible. Some say this is for the better. Some say that he doesn't know what he wants. Some say that I could be the one that got away..

But none of that is helping me. I just feel ultra confused about it all. I just want some clarity. I don't want to take up a hobby or go to places and try to meet people. I want to know that he is hurt by this too. I want to know that I am not easy to move on from. I want to know... I want to know the truth.  So I decided to stop myself from texting or calling him no matter what... if he wants to talk to me.. he can make the move to do so. I have a feeling this is just going to hurt me because he has so many things to distract himself from thoughts of me. Right now he is Edmonton, having the time of his life. Planning on all the things he will do when he moves back.  Not once will he think of me. Or miss me. Then he will be back to school and studying like crazy. Playing his computer games and downloading shows.. and then too... I won't be missed. Not a thought of Amber will run through.. It's like I could just disappear and his life would go on. I didn't affect him at all.

I feel like I should disappear, run away from it all. I am losing my dream. I don't even know if I want to try theatre anymore.. it's been so long. I don't even remember if I am an actress or not. Can I act? Is there a point to do it anymore? Have I wasted my future?

Oh right, I am 21. That's so young, there is so much life to live. So many more guys... but there is a problem there... I don't want more guys. I wanted the one guy. And even if people thought he was a jerk sometimes.. He was my jerk, and I was his girl. Now I am just plain old Amber. I feel like a dull ice cream flavor that no one wants. I honestly feel I lost my drive to be someone. I feel this city is taking away what made me special. 

If Nanaimo wasn't right for me. I was sure Vancouver would... but now I am not so sure. I am just as unhappy here, if not more now, as I was there. Where do I belong? 

And with that I remember that question that Jake asked me long ago:Who are you?

...I still don't have an answer.

Thank You "Boy Meets World"

Obviously, everything is against me today.

This episode, there is a dolphin named Amber and she has been taken from her mate and she just floats in the tank and refuses to eat fish. She is depressed due to being taken from her mate.

Thanks Boy Meets World.

"So, Amber, you are seperated from your mate huh? I know how you feel--not that Topanga's my mate, I just believe she is. It's funny though, people tell you to get on with your life, go date, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. (camera pan to dolphin) Like I need to tell you. But see we know, that once you met that special someone, it's hard to live knowing that they are out there and they are the only one you care about. All those things I did, I wasn't just trying to impress her I just, didn't know how to express my feelings. Well, at least I tried, y'know? And now, I'm talking to a fish. (Amber finally eats a fish that Corey feeds her) See you Amber"

It's a pretty cute little monologue, eh?

Well excuse me, I need to roll around in my tank now, feeling sorry for myself.

Cheers

**EDIT: so now I am watching a new episode of Big Bang Theory and how about that.. Howard got dumped.. dammit.

I Want So Badly to Believe That There is Truth, That Love is Real

It's for the best

It's for the best
It is for the best..

No matter how many times I say it, the ache remains. My brain knows it's for the best, my brain wanted it to happen for awhile now.  My heart wasn't ready. I feel emotionally raw. I really hate how puffy eyes get when crying. I have been crying for a good few hours now. Eventually the tears have to stop and dry out. 

I tried to sleep, but I can't... too many thoughts circling around.

I used to think that while I was with him. I could die at any time, and at least I will have been loved. But then I started to grow unsure of his feelings.. and now I am alone. So now, If I die... who is there? Well that's silly. There is family and friends... but I yearn for more. I yearn for that wonderful thing we call love. 

On the logical bright side, this frees me to go out with whomever I want (meaning I can hang out with guy friends again), frees my friends from judgement, allows me to focus on my chosen career path, and find someone: who likes me to sing, tells me I am beautiful, likes my hats and style, can tell me imaginative  bedtime stories, to love me unconditionally... to need me in their life...  I don't think that's asking much?

But why with all these happy thoughts of finding the one who was made for me.... why do I still feel the pain? Why do I still cry?

I find myself impatient now to rid myself of potential tear triggers: his suitcase which I used to help move most of my clothes (it's huge!), his spare deodorant, gel and hairbrush, toothbrush left at my place for overnight visits... and mostly, his cinnamon rub. And that shoe box... full of nonsense tickets and tokens. Knick Knacks... stupid Speed Racer car.

I know I am awesome. I know I am amazing, it hurts that even knowing this, His choice is still another city and other people. I am not good enough for him or is he not good enough for me. At this point in time. I cannot remember which way it goes. 

This is what I wanted
This is what I wanted
This is what I wanted...

 

Your Hands, They Shake With Goodbyes

"So here I am I'm trying. So here I am, are you ready?"

will you? could you? would you?

There are so many questions in my head. I need wisdom. I need answers. I need to know. 
For now, I will just embrace the music, the lyrics, the feelings and wish they were yours.
It could be a naive bubble but music touches me. Music evokes emotions, feelings, memories.. I wish to hear you express anything. I feel like no matter what, all is lost. We are lost. What are we? Where are we? Where are we going?

I still refuse to sit by and let it be in fate's hands. I said it before, and I will say it again. That's the lazy way out. Fate doesn't choose your career,  you work for it. You choose your direction. You fight to get to the top. Fate doesn't just carry you there. So why let fate choose your lover? Why let fate choose our future?

Fuck you fate.

A Letter

Dear Post it note Roomie,

STOP LEAVING ME POST IT NOTES! SERIOUSLY!! I hate walking out of my room and there is a post it note stuck to my door to remind me about rent, or to take out HER recycling can.  I hardly use the kitchen and MOST of my garbage ends up in the garbage cans in MY room.  Not to mention the fact that I have been living on my own for 4+ years now. I DON'T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME WHEN MY RENT IS DUE!! Oh sorry, is it due on the first? I thought it was due on the 7th of every month **sarcasm** Like, who do you take me for? Sure, I am not as old as you, but I am not some young naive person who doesn't understand to pay rent. And this whole obsession that you think you are cleaning things alone. Hello!? I am cleaning parts of the bathroom like every three days but you don't see that do you? You only notice surface cleans. I should really start taking your post it note idea and write: I CLEANED THIS everytime I clean something to get that through to you. WHY CAN'T YOU BLOODY JUST TALK TO ME! FUCK POST IT NOTES!

Maybe I should leave a post it note on my door for you saying so!! Maybe then you will get the hint to just talk to me. There is no reason that you should be leaving post it notes on my door when I am INSIDE my room. JUST KNOCK DAMMIT!

Sincerely,
    Your capable roommate.

Amber's Various Thoughts On A Wednesday

No, I will not take your $100 bill. This is a coffee shop and your purchase is only $3.89

Being late for work sucks. I feel like I let everyone down. Getting another pink piece of paper makes me sad. I don't want to focus on the negative. I want to focus on what I am getting right!

There is no Splenda, just use your common sense people. If all the sugar and sweetners are stocked up except Splenda.. it's not because your barista forgot to stock it. It's gone. Just chill and use another kind.

I hate seabus when it's filled to capacity... 400 people on one little boat making their way. At least there was a pretty pregnant woman to look at. She had that pregnant glow that people always talk about. The only thing I like more about Saebus at peak times over Seabus on Sundays... no children screaming and running around through the seats.

I laugh when people squat or bend over to try and see the seabus time from in front of our store. It makes me giggle because they look so silly.

Pretty pretty (and free!) headshots. Finally, I am getting on track to where I want to be heading.

I feel torn. I don't want to pretend to be naive and in a bubble, I feel that you are asking me to do so. I fear the summer. I contemplate moving there with you but I know I won't like it. Everyday I love the city more and more. Sure, there are things to complain about. But there are things to complain about no matter where you are. Glass half full/empty sort of thing. I know you read my last post. I don't know if you will read this one. But just know. I was angry, I was upset, and I was hurt. I feel like you have distanced yourself from me. You don't joke with me like that anymore you just laugh my silliness off and go "Oh, Amber".  I could be expecting too much. Or it could be possible that you aren't giving enough. I feel that I give so much of myself to you...I just want a little something in return...

This could be it... these fridays could be the last time we are together... these collective Friday's. It doesn't seem to worry you like it worries me. I hate the thought that 'if its meant to be, it will be'  That to me, is taking the lazy way out. Where is the work in sitting back and letting it be in fates hand. Fate only plays a small role. It's up to you to fight for what you want.. People don't sit around and let fate pick their careers. They work for it. So why should people let fate pick their lover?

...rant...

Why must you pass your judgement on everything I do? WHY CAN'T YOU BE SUPPORTIVE instead of tearing down other people? What is with you? Seriously, why? I want to know.  What makes you so superior that you can pass judgement on everyone! 

Sometimes I think of how much I don't want to lose you, of how much I want you in my life. But then there are these others times where I hope you go back. Hope that you will go and pass your judgements to everyone there. You don't have to be rude to my friends.. and you most certainly can give me support instead of assuming. Yes, go ahead and assume that pros don't need or want to update their portfolios with models for tf* Just assume that everyone on that site are amateurs and noobs. Go ahead. Whatever. Be a douche. Because yes, that is what you are being. A DOUCHE. You may not have the popped collar but you certainly have the attitude of one lately.  

I was so happy all day, until you had to bring me down. I stayed up for your phone call. I thought talking to you would help me remain happy until I wake up tomorrow... but no. You have to go an be negative. You can't say anything nice to me. 

Right now, I feel fat & ugly. My face is too round, as is my body. How can I ever make it acting? How can I make it through life at all? I feel like I have let myself down and you are most definately not helping.

Why not try something different next time we talk... AND BE NICE

Thanks Mr. Hobo!! You Just Saved Me $1.46

Was walking home from the quay. I was really wanting a slurpee. I got to my intersection and could see that darn scruffy hobo sitting outside sevvie, asking for change.. dammit. So thanks Mr Hobo!! You saved me $1.46! Mr Hobo is what keeps me from me and my slurpee of wonders!!

Today, at work, I had a guy yell at me because there are no public washrooms in Waterfront Station (where my starbucks is). When I told him there was none he flipped out, and I tried to tell him where the nearest one was but he wouldn't shut up long enough for me to get a word in. He yelled at me that he would call the papers, and the tv networks (like they care) and demanded to know why there were no washrooms. I got frustrated at this point and told him that it wasn't my fault. He calmed down for a second and was all "I am not blaming you." To which I asked, "Then why are you yelling at me, as if I have control over this?" And off he went again, shouting about how we are a coffee shop that doesn't have a bathroom even though we serve coffee. Which pissed me off more, I told him to complain to the designers of the starbucks who BUILT IT IN 1987!! F***ing moron. He continued to rant and I walked away and told him that if he didn't want to know where the nearest washroom is, then he should just leave me alone so I can clean the condiment stand and with that, I walked away from him. Still fuming.

Like seriously... it isn't my fault and I am not getting paid to listen to you rant and yell at me that there is no bathroom in the building.

I would like to say, I love living in North Vancouver, and I enjoy riding the seabus... EXCEPT ON SUNDAYS!! Seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE ON SUNDAYS!? All of a sudden, they can't stop gawking out windows and walking around so slowly!! Then they all glomp onto the escalators and stand there in my way like zombies. ITS STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT PEOPLE!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! Why is it on Sundays, they can't give me that courtesy? Just because they are having a lazy sunday, doesn't mean everybody is. I have to get to work but I am stuck behind a throng of ESCALATOR ZOMBIES who don't seem to understand walking up on the left side or standing on the RIGHT SIDE!!

**grumbles grumbles** thank gawd that tomorrow is Monday and Monday - Friday people know how to act on the escalators..

All The Single Ladies.. Please Put Some Clothes On

I don't know exactly why, but the people in the apartment above me are excessively loud as of late. Weekends they are partying loud. Weekdays they have their music up loud with the bass high and have been yelling at eachother. Not to mention the stomping around. It's just a bit irksome. Like... it's almost two in the morning... There is no need to be banging around up there. Seriously!!

I had a good laugh with my Uncle last night. I met up with him at his hotel along Granville. He asked me if there was a hooker convention going on because all the women were dressed up in mini skirts, too much makeup and hooker boots/stripper heels. I laughed and said, "close, it's the beyonce concert" Then when he was driving back down to waterfront station so I could catch my seabus, one of these vapid, high heeled, mini skirt, fake tanned women was running across the crosswalk and she tripped and nearly fell flat on her face. To which my uncle and I shared a good laugh! I suppose I don't go out enough at night to see these women all dressed up. I also don't get it. Heels are a pain. They hurt. I am still trying to break in a pair so that when I wear them on my one year, I won't kill my feet. Plus this was on Tuesday, when it was really windy out (therefore, cold!) and all these women are wearing teeny skirts. Aren't you women freezing!? 

Maybe I don't know dress code for concerts, because I don't go to them. But I am pretty sure dressing like a hooker isn't concert attire... unless you are a groupie... but really? A groupie.. for Beyonce? Riiiiiight.

I could just be jealous because I don't think I have sexy legs that can pull off mini skirts and heels. But even if I did, I don't know if I would ever dress that way. It just looks cheap... and not cheap in the "I can't afford new chucks so I wear these ones with rips and tears in them" but cheap in the way of a 75 cent whore or something.

I don't understand women in this city.. I look forward to when Kaitlyn visits, and we can go out and make fun of the bar stars and clubbing girls.

Good Day Gone Bad

I am feeling very flustered at the moment for numerous causes. One being facebook keeps logging me out and then telling me my password is incorrect even though it is correct and the caps lock key isn't on! Two: Msn won't log me in. Not to mention I dislike the look of the new msn. Three: I feel like I have no one to hang out with in Vancouver. Which is stupid. There are so many people in this city. Why do I find it so hard to have someone to chill with on a beautiful day...  and Lastly: I JUST WANT TO GO FOR FROZEN YOGURT!! DAMMIT

Okay. I went to work this morning at 8 something. It was looking to be a wonderful day as I walked down to the seabus. I crossed over and had an amazing time at work. My manager and I were laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes. I kept my merriness the entire shift. I thought it would be a perfect day so I started making plans with my boyface to go for frozen yogurt. I was even willing to go all the way out to Burnaby just for a half an hour of his time. But apparently that is too much too ask.  So I get off work and my mood goes sour. All I want is someone to spend a beautiful day with. It's sunny and beautiful outside.

It makes me really miss being a kid. Having friends to play with after school on beautiful days like this. Having recess and lunch period to just run around outside. Even to just eat your lunch out in the sun. Even then, being by myself on a beautiful day wouldn't bother me. People don't look at kids strangely if they are playing alone and talking to themselves. People would look at me strangely if I did that now.

Right now, I wish I could just have one perfect day. Where work went great and Boyface actually wanted to see me. 

I shouldn't be feeling like a burden on my boyfriend. It's all he makes me feel like. He says he is tired of my bitchiness. But I am tired of his lack of passion. He knows I want him to be more vocal about wanting to spend time with me. But he still doesn't get it. How do I make him get it?

This isn't fair to me.

And this isn't just the period monster talking.

What A Feeling!

I have been downloading and watching old cycles of America's Next Top Model. Why? I have no idea, really. I should be watching some anime in preperation for June. But anyways, my point is: something has changed within me. My way of thinking. I am not totally sure on this, but hear me out. Normally, after watching all these skinny beautiful women parade around in little outfits and look beautiful, I would get depressed and cry. Hating my body and all that jazz. However, at this moment in time I feel beautiful. I feel a teensy bit of vain as well since I can't stop watching my face in the mirror. All day I have been feeling amazing. Beautiful. Which is unheard of to me when I am not wearing makeup. That's a lie, I am wearing this new mascara that is meant to make my green eyes POP! 

Anyways, I even had a frappucino today, and felt NO guilt whatsoever. I walked down my street in the rain with a slurpee in hand and just felt beautiful.

Either my outlook has changed in someway or I am still feeling the endorphins from Leo's last visit!! 

Hee hee hee...

Just Forget The World

I feel shattered. My dreams are in broken pieces on the floor.  Tuxedo Mask is dying and I have no way to resuscitate him. His blood pours out as his rose petals slip from his fingers. Is it childish to cling to my belief in Mamoru and Usagi's love? When I say I want my own Tuxedo Mask I am not talking about a masked crusader. I am talking about the way he loves Usagi. He believes in her, He loves her for who she is, clumsy, loud, whiny, bad cook, caring, dependable, etc.

Is it impossible to love someone for who they are? Or is it human nature to want to change something about them?

All I know is right now, I want to crawl away with my dying dreams and hold them close. Piece them back together and push away the person who doesn't seem to understand.

Is it wrong to believe?

Hello, I've Waited Here For You.

Reconnecting with people from the past is becoming painful. Somehow, out of nowhere they like to bring up the past. Everytime they do so, I get stuck in heartbreak from him. I don't want to live in the past... but why does it always go back to him. Why can't I just focus on Leo.. I just keep wishing that he would reveal something about his feelings for me. I never find out until it's too late. I remember with Mike, afterwards, I was chilling with him and he had an entire folder filled with pictures of me. I was a little shocked. He told me it was from when we were dating. It was then I realised, he thought I was beautiful, yet when I dated him, I hated myself and hated my body. How bizarre.

Perhaps I ask too much. Is this a common problem? Do I always expect too much? How can I change this...

It's funny that when I am in this state of mind, I always find I turn to Paul. He was there then and he is there now. He always seems to have such wisdom, he always listened. 

I find it strange how much I forgot about myself in highschool. It seems so long ago, when really it was only 5 - 6 years ago when I was in grade 10. According to Christy, the first things I asked her were: Are you a virgin? How far have you gone with a guy? Are you in a gang? She told me when she answered that I seemed so disappointed that she was a virgin unaffiliated with any vancouver gangs. And then with Paul... I was just talking to him, and to make me feel better, he wrote me a little poem. Except it made me feel a bit sadder. It was beautiful and it reminded me of a secret. A secret only shared with Paul... makes me feel guilty that Leo doesn't know.. 

He doesn't know of the little jury, of the keepers of my secrets and dreams. He doesn't know how much I wish that he is my Prince Charming that I have been long waiting for to take me away and make me happy.

I refuse to stop believing that one day, I will be rescued...

Leo...please be the one for me..  

'Cause Every Girl's Crazy For A Sharp Dressed Man

It's weird how something so innocent can make me giggly.  I had such a nice night at work. Joked around with Brian, got out of the store on time. As I was buying my transfer ticket I had my hands full. When I reached to get the ticket I dropped my theatre magazine and a nice well dressed man picked it up for me. Of course, I smiled and thanked him then went on my merry way to the seabus. Apparently so was he. That's not too uncommon. I found it funny when he sat near me. But soon forgot about it when I went on my phone. Once getting to the North Shore, I didn't see him again, until I got on the bus. I smiled to myself thinking it was a funny coincidence.  I pulled the wire for my stop, and before I could get up and leave, he did. Again, funny. Then he being the gentleman he seems to be, allowed me to get off the bus first. He followed a good few feet behind me. I laughed because it seemed like he was following me home, I figured that wasn't the case since I live on a street with many apartments. I turned into my building, trying to find my keys, and guess who is right behind me with his keys. The well dressed gentleman. I thank him again for opening the door, and he laughed and said he was worried I would think he was stalking me. I said nah and headed up the stairs as he checked his mail. I got to my floor and was about to open the other door to my section and there he was coming off the stairs. I laughed and told him "now it's a bit suspicious" and he laughed too. 

I just think that whole situation is funny. I was stalked by a well dressed man by coincidence or because I am beautiful. Since I feel really good today, I am going to go with option B HAHAHAHA

Cheers!!

It Takes You There

I hate how stupid emotional I get when it's close to my time of the month aka my inner turmoil! At least thats how I refer to it when I talk to Alex, she is such a funny girl. Leo likes to refer to it as my monster! Ah good times though. I have a sushi date with him tonight. I look forward to it because I won't be seeing him again 'til mid March. It's hard to handle not seeing him. He studies so hard. I really hope he doesn't go back for a second year.  This first year is hard enough for me to get by. I want this to be put behind us. I want what we had when I saw him in Edmonton. That's how it should be. We should be able to do our own thing and then chill afterwards. We should be happy. Instead, Leo is constantly stressed and filling his brain with information as much as he can and I am left wanting more. I don't see him often and it does get to me. I like to think I am patient but I freak out..

GAH speaking of freak out.. I just got a text message from the boyface. Apparently he is not feeling well.. so that means we are going to have to cancel and it will have been a complete month til i see him. I last saw him Valentine's Day. I won't see him again until March 14th if I am lucky...which I am not. He will probably have some big project to do or some major tests to study for. The first year together is supposed to be easy! This is not easy!... I don't feel like blogging anymore..

out.

No Use Crying Over Cupcakes

How stupid of me to think I was actually good at baking since I make amazing peanut butter cookies... I don't think I am good at baking anymore...

I wanted to bake a bunch of cupcakes for my special Valentine and for numerous partners in all the different stores I have worked at in Vancouver.. I had it all planned. I was going to make angel food cupcakes and devils food cupcakes. I had the icing too, and the little icing tips to make little designs. Maybe a few hearts... I don't know what I was thinking.

The angel food cupcakes turned out distasterously.. I don't even know how they are supposed to be. I just assume it's terrible. The chocolate turned out relatively well. However, they are nothing compared to the cupcakes at Starbucks right now.. so I feel ashamed.. and I don't want to bring people my non-amazing cupcakes... I mean.. they are good.. but they aren't as big as the ones in the store, and mine don't fall apart like the ones in the store do.. and some of the bottoms are bit more baked than the rest of the cupcake... 

If I hadn't been so excited and told people that I was going to bring cupcakes... they would have never known, and I could get away with just throwing them out.. even though it would be hard for me to just throw away50 something cupcakes.. and yes there are over 50 cupcakes.. there are at least 48 devil's food cake... and then there are the angel food cupcakes which would be the same amount... but I am unsure if I can salvage them with icing. How is something so light supposed to be an adequate cupcake!? 

What am I supposed to do with all these cupcakes... I cannot possibly bring them to my partners at work... 

It's a silly thing to be upset about.. but I just feel so disappointed..

Being Grown Up Isn't Half As Fun As Growing Up

I was unpacking one of the random paper/book boxes my uncle finally brought me and found a picture of Travis and me... first off.. holy shit did I ever look good in grade 10! I miss the simplicity in those days. Grade 10 will always be the best year of highschool for me. I had it going that year (well.. except for the obvious home life). I look back fondly at that year.. but for the life of me, I cannot remember details of my relationship with Travis. Yes, notes passed between friends and me show that I was highly obsessed and worried now and then... but from what I recall... I was trusting. I don't remember ever thinking that Travis could possibly cheat on me or find another girl. I was never worried about that. It wasn't until afterwards, when he dumped me did I learn that fear. From then on, I would doubt every potential relationship. I am really surprised I don't scare Leo away.  I wish I could be that girlfriend again. The one eager to please. Content. Trusting. Caring. Confident.

Maybe I am still those things now.. except trusting.  I remember one day skipping classes just to bring Travis some chicken noodle soup from the cafeteria.. he had gotten sick. Do I still do these things for Leo? .. I don't even know why I am thinking about all this. 

Do you ever wish you could go back and relive a moment in life? ...I do. I want to relive those feelings. I want to relive that trust. I want to relive those moments. 

I want to be all the things I was then. I had so much hope that Travis was my knight in shining armor. That he would rescue me from Mark. Thoughts of Travis is what kept me from losing it. Seeing him everyday at school. Being held by him made me feel safe... I wish Leo held me more. I shouldnt compare. These are different times, different people... plus Leo wouldn't like it. I suppose it's bed time for this sad coffee bean.  

Who Would Ever Let Us Put Our Filthy Hands Upon It?

Sitting in my new place... instead of relaxing and trying to get some sleep, I am reading up on serial killers and Sylvia Browne... doesn't really go together does it? I just have tons of random pages open. Sometimes I just have a need for knowledge of something.. I just want to feel informed on a subject. I don;t know why I always jump to learning more about serial killers... but that part of humanity always grabs my attention. Somehow in all this mess of blood and massacre I stumbled on a website called stopsylvia.com. Basically this site talks about everything she has been wrong on and that she just does cold readings that anyone could do. He has some very amusing things to say and seems to have upset this long nailed woman quite a bit. Based on his musings, I went to see more about Sylvia and her predictions... I found a link to what she says will happen in the next 100 years. It really made me laugh. Hovercrafts are included. Dome cities.. etc. What really grabbed my attention was something that said an exact year... 

"Aliens will begin to show themselves in the year 2010, they will not harm us, they simply want to see what we are doing to this planet. They will teach us how to use anti-gravity devices again, such as they did for the pyramids."

 All of you keep watch!! Aliens are coming next year!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA Word up aliens!! Watch out Will Smith might kick yo ass!! There were some other predictions that are set for (what I believe will be in) my lifetime.  Such as atlantis rising and blah blah blah. I can't believe people take this woman seriously...

I suppose people are just evil... if they aren't out to murder you and rape your corpse then they are out to con you tons of money by lying to you about your dead loved ones and giving you generic vague predictions.

**shudders**

_______

I found a place, I will be moving to the North Shore. My uncle jokes that I am moving closer to the island. I shudder with that thought, is he right? Well I suppose North Van has the beauty that the island did but it's not the island and I hope not to meet people that I met on the island. Someone that I met there though, in of course my favourite place to be on a Wednesday night (still miss it) is going to move from the island. He agreed when I told him my theory...

When people ask me how I liked living on the island, I ask if they want the truth. If they say yes, I tell them the following: "Nanaimo is beautiful, but it is not a place to go if you have dreams or aspirations of become something. Nanaimo nearly killed mine. It's more of a place to go when you are done with life." I wonder if it's like that all over the island or only in Nanaimo? I try to have these fond memories of being in the program... but as soon as I try to remember the good times, all I can think about is what happened now. I remember exactly when the veil lifted and I saw them for who they were. They were not "family", they did not care. I sat by, heard the vicious gossip, heard of all the drama, heard the cruel jokes, saw their decline. Perhaps it is the "creative outlet".. I personally don't think you need that much pot to feel creative... and I still haven't seen the hype about it. I didn't mind so much when it seemed they were doing it once in awhile and at parties.. but they rapidly turned into constant stoners. 

Those are people my Mother never wanted me to be friends with I am sure. It's weird how her values have passed down to me. The friends I have kept around are strong. They care about me as I care about them. They aren't friends that I have to keep around 24/7 to call them a friend. No, we are able to pick our friendships back up where we last put them down. That's friends for life. That's realistic.

On that note... I haven't really talked or seen my boyface lately.. He is final mode aka non stop study. I don't if this is a bad thing but I don't feel that I miss him that much. I used to miss him that day. I suppose I am too stressed to care, work is eating me up again. Last night all I could think about was how I wanted to be held. I didn't necessairly think of boyface to hold me... I don't think he holds me enough. I just long to have strong arms around me, with a presence that makes me feel that they can make everything alright. *sigh* I suppose I am still hanging on to the dream of a real-life tuxedo mask...

The Reasons Are Gone For Why I Was Holding On

I wonder if moving to the city was the right choice. It's weird being here, I feel torn between so much, I feel unable to form my own opinions... I see someone on the side of the street asking for money, a part of me wants to give him some money but the other part of me thinks that won't help the situation but instead keep them begging for more. You can't help the problem if you keep giving them hand-outs... but they are people, and they are alone. Where is their family, y'know? I go through this debate in my head everytime I pass them on the street with their empty cup/hat/whatever. 
My next big debate is Starbucks. I used to be outright against them. However, I ended up working for what I considered evil before.. I became happy at work until the big turnover. I was  miserable, but I had hope for a new store... but it's no better in Vancouver. I feel I am being told to boss around and not actually help my baristas in tasks. I am shipped from Starbucks to Starbucks in order to get my necessary hours. I feel unappreciated by my fellow supervisors. Everything I do is wrong. Endless coaching conversations. Endless changes to how I thought I was supposed to work. I also stumbled on the site ihatestarbucks.com and it reminded me of how I felt before I worked there.. how I am not a real 'barista' with these stupid push button espresso machines.. with no training whatsoever on latte art and no indepth training on the perfect cappuccino.. Real baristas laugh at Starbucks baristas. You don't see Starbucks baristas at competitions. Our pitchers don't even allow the correct pouring in order to do latte art! Even if you wanted to teach yourself, Starbucks doesn't give you the resources. I again have ended up miserable at work. Already I doubt this new store. Where I feel unappreciated, wrong, replaceable, tattled upon. I can't win in this location.. and I know I have no hope of moving up in this store.. 
Was I being lazy? I didn't take the years and years of school in order to get an amazing career like an engineer or architect or lawyer or any of those high paying jobs that society always needs. Instead I chose to perform.. but instead of performing I am stuck at Starbucks sucking the corporate teat.  My dreams that should feel closer are feeling further away. They will never be reality. Those dreams will remain as they are, far away, while my soul is belongs to Howard Schultz and Starbucks.

Adventure from Portland to Main St

I have been searching for a place to live (AGAIN!) It's so frustrating. This time I figured I would have an advantage being in the city... well I think I was wrong.  This is the tale of my journey today...

I left the House, caught the bus (rain rain rain on top of snow snow snow) for two stops and viewed place 1 of 3. This guy had a movie collection to rival mine!!! I loved the set up.. there was just one teensy problem, and that is the teensy room. We both agreed, it probably wouldn't even fit my queen-sized bed.  I left feeling a little disheartened but hopeful for the next two.

I caught a bus to Edmonds and got on the skytrain to Joyce. From there caught a bus. This was the first bus I have been on in a loooong time (not counting the shuttle buses).  It was packed full, I asked the bus driver for some help finding my stop, he was a little rude to me. However, I must have looked cute in my lost/distraught face, because a nice guy asked if I needed help. Looked at my directions and told me it would still be awhile, told me the route the bus takes and all that jazz. He was very nice, wishing me luck as he got off the bus. Made me feel a bit at ease. When I finally got to my stop, I had to figure out how I was going to cross the busy street... OH VAY! I hoped I was heading the right direction since I had to walk the rest of the way...

Place 2 of 3: Two nice girls from Whitehorse, but this place just didn't have the relaxed feel.. it had no room to be relaxed!! Again, the room I would be renting was teensy A little worried that it wouldn't fit my bed either (starting to wonder why I need a queen sized) It was sad because I really liked the girl but it was just so cramped feeling.. I like my space.

Left to go on to the final place... catch the bus to continue the route and get to Gilmore station. I have never been at this point in the Milennium Line, so I had to ask a nice translink cop for help. He directed me and I went on my way. Transferred at Commercial to Broadway and eventually got to Main. Right at Main St & Terminal Ave, is a wonderful little Starbucks. They still have the recently old machines and were so friendly. The barista and I shared a laugh and my drink was PERFECT (which is so rare around here) I was impressed... because of my Starbucks stop, I missed two of the buses I was supposed to catch. Since they came right after eachother, I figured, there would be another in no time.. I was *wrong*  I watched numerous of the other buses pass me by. I was freezing by this time.. soaking wet up to my knees. 

However, it's here at Main Street that I decided I loved this area. People were chatty and a guy was really funny asking for a smoke and/or spare change for a beer. He yelled it at everyone at the stop to "save time asking individually" He made me giggle. Then the cops arrested someone on the other side of the street... Finally, my bus comes, I watch the streets and finally make it to my stop. I get out and venture to the place I am viewing now.

Place 3 of 3: A little on the old side, with a musky scent.. but the room was HUGE!! I could make it a bedroom/living room area!! But it needed new paint, carpet needed to be cleaned.. but I thought, I could paint it.. this could be a project!! So I said, "I'm in. Is there anything to sign"
Potential Roomie (PR): "Nope, do you have money?"
Me: "Not on me,  I usually don't carry cash and I don't have much money 'til next payday"
PR: "Oh well, can't you borrow it from friends or family?"
Me: (feeling awkward at this point)"No, I don't ask for money from them.. it's rude and I have pride"
PR: "Well, do you have.. things?"
Me: "Things? Look, I can give you references. When I say I want this place, I mean it. I am not going back on my word. "

PR: "I would like to believe you but I can't"
Me: "Well I don't know then."
PR: "do you have *things*?"
Me: "I Don't understand, do you mean collateral? Because I don't"
PR: "Okay, I want to give this place to you... but..."
Me: "I really need to go, I will let you know tomorrow."

So I left.. feeling uneasy. Why would she expect  me to just hand over some cash and not sign anything.. I am sorry but I will *not* do that. Plus her comment on do I have any "things" put me off. I talked to my uncle and my mom, they agree.. I should go with my instinct of not taking that place and wait. I left there feeling terrible.. I hate searching for a home.. It shouldn't be this hard.. I know exactly what I want but I am unable to attain it. I want the nice apartment but it's impossible with my credit.  I still have debt looming over my head from aka house.. I feel like it will never leave me. I will never have that nice city apartment. 

In other joyful news, I found out today that my Uncle accidentally spilt Elk's blood on my box spring... wonderful. Haha. No worries though, he cleaned it off right away.. **shudders**

Now to go back to searching for a home...