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I found a place, I will be moving to the North Shore. My uncle jokes that I am moving closer to the island. I shudder with that thought, is he right? Well I suppose North Van has the beauty that the island did but it's not the island and I hope not to meet people that I met on the island. Someone that I met there though, in of course my favourite place to be on a Wednesday night (still miss it) is going to move from the island. He agreed when I told him my theory...

When people ask me how I liked living on the island, I ask if they want the truth. If they say yes, I tell them the following: "Nanaimo is beautiful, but it is not a place to go if you have dreams or aspirations of become something. Nanaimo nearly killed mine. It's more of a place to go when you are done with life." I wonder if it's like that all over the island or only in Nanaimo? I try to have these fond memories of being in the program... but as soon as I try to remember the good times, all I can think about is what happened now. I remember exactly when the veil lifted and I saw them for who they were. They were not "family", they did not care. I sat by, heard the vicious gossip, heard of all the drama, heard the cruel jokes, saw their decline. Perhaps it is the "creative outlet".. I personally don't think you need that much pot to feel creative... and I still haven't seen the hype about it. I didn't mind so much when it seemed they were doing it once in awhile and at parties.. but they rapidly turned into constant stoners. 

Those are people my Mother never wanted me to be friends with I am sure. It's weird how her values have passed down to me. The friends I have kept around are strong. They care about me as I care about them. They aren't friends that I have to keep around 24/7 to call them a friend. No, we are able to pick our friendships back up where we last put them down. That's friends for life. That's realistic.

On that note... I haven't really talked or seen my boyface lately.. He is final mode aka non stop study. I don't if this is a bad thing but I don't feel that I miss him that much. I used to miss him that day. I suppose I am too stressed to care, work is eating me up again. Last night all I could think about was how I wanted to be held. I didn't necessairly think of boyface to hold me... I don't think he holds me enough. I just long to have strong arms around me, with a presence that makes me feel that they can make everything alright. *sigh* I suppose I am still hanging on to the dream of a real-life tuxedo mask...

The Reasons Are Gone For Why I Was Holding On

I wonder if moving to the city was the right choice. It's weird being here, I feel torn between so much, I feel unable to form my own opinions... I see someone on the side of the street asking for money, a part of me wants to give him some money but the other part of me thinks that won't help the situation but instead keep them begging for more. You can't help the problem if you keep giving them hand-outs... but they are people, and they are alone. Where is their family, y'know? I go through this debate in my head everytime I pass them on the street with their empty cup/hat/whatever. 
My next big debate is Starbucks. I used to be outright against them. However, I ended up working for what I considered evil before.. I became happy at work until the big turnover. I was  miserable, but I had hope for a new store... but it's no better in Vancouver. I feel I am being told to boss around and not actually help my baristas in tasks. I am shipped from Starbucks to Starbucks in order to get my necessary hours. I feel unappreciated by my fellow supervisors. Everything I do is wrong. Endless coaching conversations. Endless changes to how I thought I was supposed to work. I also stumbled on the site ihatestarbucks.com and it reminded me of how I felt before I worked there.. how I am not a real 'barista' with these stupid push button espresso machines.. with no training whatsoever on latte art and no indepth training on the perfect cappuccino.. Real baristas laugh at Starbucks baristas. You don't see Starbucks baristas at competitions. Our pitchers don't even allow the correct pouring in order to do latte art! Even if you wanted to teach yourself, Starbucks doesn't give you the resources. I again have ended up miserable at work. Already I doubt this new store. Where I feel unappreciated, wrong, replaceable, tattled upon. I can't win in this location.. and I know I have no hope of moving up in this store.. 
Was I being lazy? I didn't take the years and years of school in order to get an amazing career like an engineer or architect or lawyer or any of those high paying jobs that society always needs. Instead I chose to perform.. but instead of performing I am stuck at Starbucks sucking the corporate teat.  My dreams that should feel closer are feeling further away. They will never be reality. Those dreams will remain as they are, far away, while my soul is belongs to Howard Schultz and Starbucks.

Adventure from Portland to Main St

I have been searching for a place to live (AGAIN!) It's so frustrating. This time I figured I would have an advantage being in the city... well I think I was wrong.  This is the tale of my journey today...

I left the House, caught the bus (rain rain rain on top of snow snow snow) for two stops and viewed place 1 of 3. This guy had a movie collection to rival mine!!! I loved the set up.. there was just one teensy problem, and that is the teensy room. We both agreed, it probably wouldn't even fit my queen-sized bed.  I left feeling a little disheartened but hopeful for the next two.

I caught a bus to Edmonds and got on the skytrain to Joyce. From there caught a bus. This was the first bus I have been on in a loooong time (not counting the shuttle buses).  It was packed full, I asked the bus driver for some help finding my stop, he was a little rude to me. However, I must have looked cute in my lost/distraught face, because a nice guy asked if I needed help. Looked at my directions and told me it would still be awhile, told me the route the bus takes and all that jazz. He was very nice, wishing me luck as he got off the bus. Made me feel a bit at ease. When I finally got to my stop, I had to figure out how I was going to cross the busy street... OH VAY! I hoped I was heading the right direction since I had to walk the rest of the way...

Place 2 of 3: Two nice girls from Whitehorse, but this place just didn't have the relaxed feel.. it had no room to be relaxed!! Again, the room I would be renting was teensy A little worried that it wouldn't fit my bed either (starting to wonder why I need a queen sized) It was sad because I really liked the girl but it was just so cramped feeling.. I like my space.

Left to go on to the final place... catch the bus to continue the route and get to Gilmore station. I have never been at this point in the Milennium Line, so I had to ask a nice translink cop for help. He directed me and I went on my way. Transferred at Commercial to Broadway and eventually got to Main. Right at Main St & Terminal Ave, is a wonderful little Starbucks. They still have the recently old machines and were so friendly. The barista and I shared a laugh and my drink was PERFECT (which is so rare around here) I was impressed... because of my Starbucks stop, I missed two of the buses I was supposed to catch. Since they came right after eachother, I figured, there would be another in no time.. I was *wrong*  I watched numerous of the other buses pass me by. I was freezing by this time.. soaking wet up to my knees. 

However, it's here at Main Street that I decided I loved this area. People were chatty and a guy was really funny asking for a smoke and/or spare change for a beer. He yelled it at everyone at the stop to "save time asking individually" He made me giggle. Then the cops arrested someone on the other side of the street... Finally, my bus comes, I watch the streets and finally make it to my stop. I get out and venture to the place I am viewing now.

Place 3 of 3: A little on the old side, with a musky scent.. but the room was HUGE!! I could make it a bedroom/living room area!! But it needed new paint, carpet needed to be cleaned.. but I thought, I could paint it.. this could be a project!! So I said, "I'm in. Is there anything to sign"
Potential Roomie (PR): "Nope, do you have money?"
Me: "Not on me,  I usually don't carry cash and I don't have much money 'til next payday"
PR: "Oh well, can't you borrow it from friends or family?"
Me: (feeling awkward at this point)"No, I don't ask for money from them.. it's rude and I have pride"
PR: "Well, do you have.. things?"
Me: "Things? Look, I can give you references. When I say I want this place, I mean it. I am not going back on my word. "

PR: "I would like to believe you but I can't"
Me: "Well I don't know then."
PR: "do you have *things*?"
Me: "I Don't understand, do you mean collateral? Because I don't"
PR: "Okay, I want to give this place to you... but..."
Me: "I really need to go, I will let you know tomorrow."

So I left.. feeling uneasy. Why would she expect  me to just hand over some cash and not sign anything.. I am sorry but I will *not* do that. Plus her comment on do I have any "things" put me off. I talked to my uncle and my mom, they agree.. I should go with my instinct of not taking that place and wait. I left there feeling terrible.. I hate searching for a home.. It shouldn't be this hard.. I know exactly what I want but I am unable to attain it. I want the nice apartment but it's impossible with my credit.  I still have debt looming over my head from aka house.. I feel like it will never leave me. I will never have that nice city apartment. 

In other joyful news, I found out today that my Uncle accidentally spilt Elk's blood on my box spring... wonderful. Haha. No worries though, he cleaned it off right away.. **shudders**

Now to go back to searching for a home...