Good Day Gone Bad

I am feeling very flustered at the moment for numerous causes. One being facebook keeps logging me out and then telling me my password is incorrect even though it is correct and the caps lock key isn't on! Two: Msn won't log me in. Not to mention I dislike the look of the new msn. Three: I feel like I have no one to hang out with in Vancouver. Which is stupid. There are so many people in this city. Why do I find it so hard to have someone to chill with on a beautiful day...  and Lastly: I JUST WANT TO GO FOR FROZEN YOGURT!! DAMMIT

Okay. I went to work this morning at 8 something. It was looking to be a wonderful day as I walked down to the seabus. I crossed over and had an amazing time at work. My manager and I were laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes. I kept my merriness the entire shift. I thought it would be a perfect day so I started making plans with my boyface to go for frozen yogurt. I was even willing to go all the way out to Burnaby just for a half an hour of his time. But apparently that is too much too ask.  So I get off work and my mood goes sour. All I want is someone to spend a beautiful day with. It's sunny and beautiful outside.

It makes me really miss being a kid. Having friends to play with after school on beautiful days like this. Having recess and lunch period to just run around outside. Even to just eat your lunch out in the sun. Even then, being by myself on a beautiful day wouldn't bother me. People don't look at kids strangely if they are playing alone and talking to themselves. People would look at me strangely if I did that now.

Right now, I wish I could just have one perfect day. Where work went great and Boyface actually wanted to see me. 

I shouldn't be feeling like a burden on my boyfriend. It's all he makes me feel like. He says he is tired of my bitchiness. But I am tired of his lack of passion. He knows I want him to be more vocal about wanting to spend time with me. But he still doesn't get it. How do I make him get it?

This isn't fair to me.

And this isn't just the period monster talking.

What A Feeling!

I have been downloading and watching old cycles of America's Next Top Model. Why? I have no idea, really. I should be watching some anime in preperation for June. But anyways, my point is: something has changed within me. My way of thinking. I am not totally sure on this, but hear me out. Normally, after watching all these skinny beautiful women parade around in little outfits and look beautiful, I would get depressed and cry. Hating my body and all that jazz. However, at this moment in time I feel beautiful. I feel a teensy bit of vain as well since I can't stop watching my face in the mirror. All day I have been feeling amazing. Beautiful. Which is unheard of to me when I am not wearing makeup. That's a lie, I am wearing this new mascara that is meant to make my green eyes POP! 

Anyways, I even had a frappucino today, and felt NO guilt whatsoever. I walked down my street in the rain with a slurpee in hand and just felt beautiful.

Either my outlook has changed in someway or I am still feeling the endorphins from Leo's last visit!! 

Hee hee hee...

Just Forget The World

I feel shattered. My dreams are in broken pieces on the floor.  Tuxedo Mask is dying and I have no way to resuscitate him. His blood pours out as his rose petals slip from his fingers. Is it childish to cling to my belief in Mamoru and Usagi's love? When I say I want my own Tuxedo Mask I am not talking about a masked crusader. I am talking about the way he loves Usagi. He believes in her, He loves her for who she is, clumsy, loud, whiny, bad cook, caring, dependable, etc.

Is it impossible to love someone for who they are? Or is it human nature to want to change something about them?

All I know is right now, I want to crawl away with my dying dreams and hold them close. Piece them back together and push away the person who doesn't seem to understand.

Is it wrong to believe?

Hello, I've Waited Here For You.

Reconnecting with people from the past is becoming painful. Somehow, out of nowhere they like to bring up the past. Everytime they do so, I get stuck in heartbreak from him. I don't want to live in the past... but why does it always go back to him. Why can't I just focus on Leo.. I just keep wishing that he would reveal something about his feelings for me. I never find out until it's too late. I remember with Mike, afterwards, I was chilling with him and he had an entire folder filled with pictures of me. I was a little shocked. He told me it was from when we were dating. It was then I realised, he thought I was beautiful, yet when I dated him, I hated myself and hated my body. How bizarre.

Perhaps I ask too much. Is this a common problem? Do I always expect too much? How can I change this...

It's funny that when I am in this state of mind, I always find I turn to Paul. He was there then and he is there now. He always seems to have such wisdom, he always listened. 

I find it strange how much I forgot about myself in highschool. It seems so long ago, when really it was only 5 - 6 years ago when I was in grade 10. According to Christy, the first things I asked her were: Are you a virgin? How far have you gone with a guy? Are you in a gang? She told me when she answered that I seemed so disappointed that she was a virgin unaffiliated with any vancouver gangs. And then with Paul... I was just talking to him, and to make me feel better, he wrote me a little poem. Except it made me feel a bit sadder. It was beautiful and it reminded me of a secret. A secret only shared with Paul... makes me feel guilty that Leo doesn't know.. 

He doesn't know of the little jury, of the keepers of my secrets and dreams. He doesn't know how much I wish that he is my Prince Charming that I have been long waiting for to take me away and make me happy.

I refuse to stop believing that one day, I will be rescued...

Leo...please be the one for me..