Drink Up Me Hearties Yo Ho!

I really hate waking up with my contacts still in. Especially considering they are about two years old and are meant to be only worn for one month. Usually when I drink, I drink with people who know and they make sure I take them out. Neither of the people I drank with last night clued in. That's alright but now I fear for my eyes again. Dammit.

I HAVE SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO MINI RANT ABOUT: Customers. Wtf mate! WHY!? I just want to know why you do things sometimes. For example: Why do you insist on putting your straw wrappers on my hand off plane instead of in the garbage can that is a FOOT AWAY FROM YOU!? Honestly, are you that lazy or do you really not see the TWO garbage cans right there? Yesterday, I handed out a Caramel Frappuccino and went to go make another frappuccino. Next thing I know one of the girls calls me over and points out that she spilt a good inch or two of her drink on the counter.. How does one spill a frappuccino like that all over the counter? IT"S LIDDED!! When I looked at the frappuccino in her hand, the lid was still on perfectly fine. More of a mystery to me was that so did her whip cream. It looked fine.... what?

I never understood why I can't sleep the night after drinking. Why instead I wake up early. Back in the old days of AKA it seemed everyone would wake up early. We would all be chatting right now and then on our way to breakfast. But now, out of that house. Whenever I drink. I am usually awake, sitting and watching all the people around me sleep. Monica slept on the floor, I wish she slept on the bed. It makes me sad to see her on the floor... but she has plenty of pillows and blankets to keep warm. Tony is doing his normal sleeping thing in my bed. I think the only thing that is different is the fact that he is actually wearing pants this time! HA!

Hmmm... I want breakfast... I wonder if I wake them up...

And I Didn't Understand When You Reached Out To Take My Hand

Is this just temporary blindness... It seems I have fallen back into the habit of ignoring my problems and debt. I procrastinated doing my taxes.. I really need to get on that. Otherwise, I am going to be screwed on my next paycheck with another garnishment of $200..

Focus Amber. Get your life sorted. Get your mind sorted.
I just don't feel like there is any space in my head for terribly negative thoughts or thoughts of problems. When I near the siren, she leaks some of the dark thoughts. That's got to be a bad sign. I can't avoid the Siren. I need to be there.

I wonder why she was so negative in thinking. Is there something I can do to help her? Because I am very much sensitive to many things. When she voiced her doubting opinion. I felt the doubt too. I had to shake it off and believe. Have faith. That was a mistake I had made many times before. No trust. I will trust. I will learn to trust and have faith. I can. Shrug off the fear. Fear has no place in a smile. Fear and Doubt should have no place in my eyes when I look at him.

Is it bad that I can't even read my own thoughts right now? My mind is clouded over and I really can't concentrate very well. I keep trying to think but as soon as I catch the string of one thought it snaps and flies away.

Maybe I will head down to the Quay now. Feel the refreshing rain fall on my face.

I love the rain.

Forget Regret or Life Is Yours To Miss

I inspected my roommate's couch today. Saw no evidence of Monica's night. I suppose that's good. What a night that was. I really wish I remembered more of it. It's a shame about the noise complaint. Most of my apartment is up at that time in the morning anyways. My roommate said I woke her up too... Like I care. IT WAS A FRIDAY! Oh dearie me!

Speaking of frustrations... my pants are annoying me. Mainly because I have been losing weight. Therefore, my pants keep slipping and I honestly dislike wearing belts but I have no more money for new clothes.. I shouldn't be complaining. I am happy that I am losing weight. It's a goal I wanted to achieve, and it's happening. How I am doing it, I don't know! It just happened!

A lot of things just keep happening. I don't even know where to begin with the random timing life has for me. I feel somewhat bad about it. Mainly, Judgements from others make me feel bad. I see it in their eyes or hear it somewhere in their voice. Even if they are just joking.. there is judgement behind their voice. But I know, I know. Who cares what everyone else thinks, right? As long as I am happy. Honestly, I am so happy I am surprised I haven't been bursting with rainbows and sunshine. But I need to slow down, I can't allow myself to rush this along like I do with everything. I need to let things unfurl in their own way.

Life, take me where you will.

My Thoughts Were So Loud I Couldn't Hear My Mouth

Apparently, the new shade of Amber is red. I am sunburnt. It doesn't hurt now.. but everyone assures me, it's going to hurt tomorrow. Today, I hung out with an old friend I hadn't seen since highschool. It was nice. I tried my best to shut off my thoughts, and for the most part it worked. Then I didn't want to go home, so I stuck around my store. Probably annoying everyone, but oh well. I didn't want to be at home alone with my thoughts. I ended up being at the station all the way past close. But nicely, I had people to hang out with. Coworkers and security guards. 

It's weird, but when chilling out at the station, I noticed guys check me out or give me a couple looks. It made me feel a little better, knowing that hey, I am still a pretty girl. Yet, I still felt little pangs of heartache throughout the night. I want to learn. I want to be happy.

I want to figure things out yet I want to shut out my thoughts.

I need to make up my mind.

I Will Try To Find My Place

I thought things might have been turning around. Apparently, I am unobservant. It's over now. Yet instead of crying my face off, I was just sitting here, calmly. While discussing the situation, I cried a few tears. But nothing serious. Waking up this morning, I nearly forgot all about it. Until I was fully aware of the day.

I know I need to work on myself, but suddenly, I don't have the motivation. In some ways I do... but not enough to push myself to make the changes. 

I am not quite sure what to think... I question even wanting to think. I just know I am going to miss certain things. Like having someone to play ds with on the seabus, skytrain and in bed (we were dorks, I know). I'm going to miss having kisses, but if I work on myself, surely, one day, there will be someone to give me the kisses I will be craving. I will miss his surprises. He surprised me so much this past week or so. Both good and bad. Mostly good ones. Until last night, of course.

Last night, before I left him, we were waiting for my skytrain, and we were kissing. I asked him what he called that kiss, and he would answer with "peck", "passionnate peck" etc, so I kept trying to change it up... then my skytrain came, and I asked "will you show me the goodbye kiss"

and he kissed me goodbye..

I honestly couldn't of asked for a sweeter goodbye kiss. At that moment, I didn't know it was the very last, but looking back on it, I am happy it was..