I Cannot Sleep I Cannot Dream Tonight

Everyone has an opinion as to what I should do now. Some say to be patient and his opinion might change. Some say that I should move on and replace him as soon as possible. Some say this is for the better. Some say that he doesn't know what he wants. Some say that I could be the one that got away..

But none of that is helping me. I just feel ultra confused about it all. I just want some clarity. I don't want to take up a hobby or go to places and try to meet people. I want to know that he is hurt by this too. I want to know that I am not easy to move on from. I want to know... I want to know the truth.  So I decided to stop myself from texting or calling him no matter what... if he wants to talk to me.. he can make the move to do so. I have a feeling this is just going to hurt me because he has so many things to distract himself from thoughts of me. Right now he is Edmonton, having the time of his life. Planning on all the things he will do when he moves back.  Not once will he think of me. Or miss me. Then he will be back to school and studying like crazy. Playing his computer games and downloading shows.. and then too... I won't be missed. Not a thought of Amber will run through.. It's like I could just disappear and his life would go on. I didn't affect him at all.

I feel like I should disappear, run away from it all. I am losing my dream. I don't even know if I want to try theatre anymore.. it's been so long. I don't even remember if I am an actress or not. Can I act? Is there a point to do it anymore? Have I wasted my future?

Oh right, I am 21. That's so young, there is so much life to live. So many more guys... but there is a problem there... I don't want more guys. I wanted the one guy. And even if people thought he was a jerk sometimes.. He was my jerk, and I was his girl. Now I am just plain old Amber. I feel like a dull ice cream flavor that no one wants. I honestly feel I lost my drive to be someone. I feel this city is taking away what made me special. 

If Nanaimo wasn't right for me. I was sure Vancouver would... but now I am not so sure. I am just as unhappy here, if not more now, as I was there. Where do I belong? 

And with that I remember that question that Jake asked me long ago:Who are you?

...I still don't have an answer.

Thank You "Boy Meets World"

Obviously, everything is against me today.

This episode, there is a dolphin named Amber and she has been taken from her mate and she just floats in the tank and refuses to eat fish. She is depressed due to being taken from her mate.

Thanks Boy Meets World.

"So, Amber, you are seperated from your mate huh? I know how you feel--not that Topanga's my mate, I just believe she is. It's funny though, people tell you to get on with your life, go date, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. (camera pan to dolphin) Like I need to tell you. But see we know, that once you met that special someone, it's hard to live knowing that they are out there and they are the only one you care about. All those things I did, I wasn't just trying to impress her I just, didn't know how to express my feelings. Well, at least I tried, y'know? And now, I'm talking to a fish. (Amber finally eats a fish that Corey feeds her) See you Amber"

It's a pretty cute little monologue, eh?

Well excuse me, I need to roll around in my tank now, feeling sorry for myself.

Cheers

**EDIT: so now I am watching a new episode of Big Bang Theory and how about that.. Howard got dumped.. dammit.

I Want So Badly to Believe That There is Truth, That Love is Real

It's for the best

It's for the best
It is for the best..

No matter how many times I say it, the ache remains. My brain knows it's for the best, my brain wanted it to happen for awhile now.  My heart wasn't ready. I feel emotionally raw. I really hate how puffy eyes get when crying. I have been crying for a good few hours now. Eventually the tears have to stop and dry out. 

I tried to sleep, but I can't... too many thoughts circling around.

I used to think that while I was with him. I could die at any time, and at least I will have been loved. But then I started to grow unsure of his feelings.. and now I am alone. So now, If I die... who is there? Well that's silly. There is family and friends... but I yearn for more. I yearn for that wonderful thing we call love. 

On the logical bright side, this frees me to go out with whomever I want (meaning I can hang out with guy friends again), frees my friends from judgement, allows me to focus on my chosen career path, and find someone: who likes me to sing, tells me I am beautiful, likes my hats and style, can tell me imaginative  bedtime stories, to love me unconditionally... to need me in their life...  I don't think that's asking much?

But why with all these happy thoughts of finding the one who was made for me.... why do I still feel the pain? Why do I still cry?

I find myself impatient now to rid myself of potential tear triggers: his suitcase which I used to help move most of my clothes (it's huge!), his spare deodorant, gel and hairbrush, toothbrush left at my place for overnight visits... and mostly, his cinnamon rub. And that shoe box... full of nonsense tickets and tokens. Knick Knacks... stupid Speed Racer car.

I know I am awesome. I know I am amazing, it hurts that even knowing this, His choice is still another city and other people. I am not good enough for him or is he not good enough for me. At this point in time. I cannot remember which way it goes. 

This is what I wanted
This is what I wanted
This is what I wanted...

 

Your Hands, They Shake With Goodbyes

"So here I am I'm trying. So here I am, are you ready?"

will you? could you? would you?

There are so many questions in my head. I need wisdom. I need answers. I need to know. 
For now, I will just embrace the music, the lyrics, the feelings and wish they were yours.
It could be a naive bubble but music touches me. Music evokes emotions, feelings, memories.. I wish to hear you express anything. I feel like no matter what, all is lost. We are lost. What are we? Where are we? Where are we going?

I still refuse to sit by and let it be in fate's hands. I said it before, and I will say it again. That's the lazy way out. Fate doesn't choose your career,  you work for it. You choose your direction. You fight to get to the top. Fate doesn't just carry you there. So why let fate choose your lover? Why let fate choose our future?

Fuck you fate.

A Letter

Dear Post it note Roomie,

STOP LEAVING ME POST IT NOTES! SERIOUSLY!! I hate walking out of my room and there is a post it note stuck to my door to remind me about rent, or to take out HER recycling can.  I hardly use the kitchen and MOST of my garbage ends up in the garbage cans in MY room.  Not to mention the fact that I have been living on my own for 4+ years now. I DON'T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME WHEN MY RENT IS DUE!! Oh sorry, is it due on the first? I thought it was due on the 7th of every month **sarcasm** Like, who do you take me for? Sure, I am not as old as you, but I am not some young naive person who doesn't understand to pay rent. And this whole obsession that you think you are cleaning things alone. Hello!? I am cleaning parts of the bathroom like every three days but you don't see that do you? You only notice surface cleans. I should really start taking your post it note idea and write: I CLEANED THIS everytime I clean something to get that through to you. WHY CAN'T YOU BLOODY JUST TALK TO ME! FUCK POST IT NOTES!

Maybe I should leave a post it note on my door for you saying so!! Maybe then you will get the hint to just talk to me. There is no reason that you should be leaving post it notes on my door when I am INSIDE my room. JUST KNOCK DAMMIT!

Sincerely,
    Your capable roommate.

Amber's Various Thoughts On A Wednesday

No, I will not take your $100 bill. This is a coffee shop and your purchase is only $3.89

Being late for work sucks. I feel like I let everyone down. Getting another pink piece of paper makes me sad. I don't want to focus on the negative. I want to focus on what I am getting right!

There is no Splenda, just use your common sense people. If all the sugar and sweetners are stocked up except Splenda.. it's not because your barista forgot to stock it. It's gone. Just chill and use another kind.

I hate seabus when it's filled to capacity... 400 people on one little boat making their way. At least there was a pretty pregnant woman to look at. She had that pregnant glow that people always talk about. The only thing I like more about Saebus at peak times over Seabus on Sundays... no children screaming and running around through the seats.

I laugh when people squat or bend over to try and see the seabus time from in front of our store. It makes me giggle because they look so silly.

Pretty pretty (and free!) headshots. Finally, I am getting on track to where I want to be heading.

I feel torn. I don't want to pretend to be naive and in a bubble, I feel that you are asking me to do so. I fear the summer. I contemplate moving there with you but I know I won't like it. Everyday I love the city more and more. Sure, there are things to complain about. But there are things to complain about no matter where you are. Glass half full/empty sort of thing. I know you read my last post. I don't know if you will read this one. But just know. I was angry, I was upset, and I was hurt. I feel like you have distanced yourself from me. You don't joke with me like that anymore you just laugh my silliness off and go "Oh, Amber".  I could be expecting too much. Or it could be possible that you aren't giving enough. I feel that I give so much of myself to you...I just want a little something in return...

This could be it... these fridays could be the last time we are together... these collective Friday's. It doesn't seem to worry you like it worries me. I hate the thought that 'if its meant to be, it will be'  That to me, is taking the lazy way out. Where is the work in sitting back and letting it be in fates hand. Fate only plays a small role. It's up to you to fight for what you want.. People don't sit around and let fate pick their careers. They work for it. So why should people let fate pick their lover?

...rant...

Why must you pass your judgement on everything I do? WHY CAN'T YOU BE SUPPORTIVE instead of tearing down other people? What is with you? Seriously, why? I want to know.  What makes you so superior that you can pass judgement on everyone! 

Sometimes I think of how much I don't want to lose you, of how much I want you in my life. But then there are these others times where I hope you go back. Hope that you will go and pass your judgements to everyone there. You don't have to be rude to my friends.. and you most certainly can give me support instead of assuming. Yes, go ahead and assume that pros don't need or want to update their portfolios with models for tf* Just assume that everyone on that site are amateurs and noobs. Go ahead. Whatever. Be a douche. Because yes, that is what you are being. A DOUCHE. You may not have the popped collar but you certainly have the attitude of one lately.  

I was so happy all day, until you had to bring me down. I stayed up for your phone call. I thought talking to you would help me remain happy until I wake up tomorrow... but no. You have to go an be negative. You can't say anything nice to me. 

Right now, I feel fat & ugly. My face is too round, as is my body. How can I ever make it acting? How can I make it through life at all? I feel like I have let myself down and you are most definately not helping.

Why not try something different next time we talk... AND BE NICE

Thanks Mr. Hobo!! You Just Saved Me $1.46

Was walking home from the quay. I was really wanting a slurpee. I got to my intersection and could see that darn scruffy hobo sitting outside sevvie, asking for change.. dammit. So thanks Mr Hobo!! You saved me $1.46! Mr Hobo is what keeps me from me and my slurpee of wonders!!

Today, at work, I had a guy yell at me because there are no public washrooms in Waterfront Station (where my starbucks is). When I told him there was none he flipped out, and I tried to tell him where the nearest one was but he wouldn't shut up long enough for me to get a word in. He yelled at me that he would call the papers, and the tv networks (like they care) and demanded to know why there were no washrooms. I got frustrated at this point and told him that it wasn't my fault. He calmed down for a second and was all "I am not blaming you." To which I asked, "Then why are you yelling at me, as if I have control over this?" And off he went again, shouting about how we are a coffee shop that doesn't have a bathroom even though we serve coffee. Which pissed me off more, I told him to complain to the designers of the starbucks who BUILT IT IN 1987!! F***ing moron. He continued to rant and I walked away and told him that if he didn't want to know where the nearest washroom is, then he should just leave me alone so I can clean the condiment stand and with that, I walked away from him. Still fuming.

Like seriously... it isn't my fault and I am not getting paid to listen to you rant and yell at me that there is no bathroom in the building.

I would like to say, I love living in North Vancouver, and I enjoy riding the seabus... EXCEPT ON SUNDAYS!! Seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE ON SUNDAYS!? All of a sudden, they can't stop gawking out windows and walking around so slowly!! Then they all glomp onto the escalators and stand there in my way like zombies. ITS STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT PEOPLE!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! Why is it on Sundays, they can't give me that courtesy? Just because they are having a lazy sunday, doesn't mean everybody is. I have to get to work but I am stuck behind a throng of ESCALATOR ZOMBIES who don't seem to understand walking up on the left side or standing on the RIGHT SIDE!!

**grumbles grumbles** thank gawd that tomorrow is Monday and Monday - Friday people know how to act on the escalators..

All The Single Ladies.. Please Put Some Clothes On

I don't know exactly why, but the people in the apartment above me are excessively loud as of late. Weekends they are partying loud. Weekdays they have their music up loud with the bass high and have been yelling at eachother. Not to mention the stomping around. It's just a bit irksome. Like... it's almost two in the morning... There is no need to be banging around up there. Seriously!!

I had a good laugh with my Uncle last night. I met up with him at his hotel along Granville. He asked me if there was a hooker convention going on because all the women were dressed up in mini skirts, too much makeup and hooker boots/stripper heels. I laughed and said, "close, it's the beyonce concert" Then when he was driving back down to waterfront station so I could catch my seabus, one of these vapid, high heeled, mini skirt, fake tanned women was running across the crosswalk and she tripped and nearly fell flat on her face. To which my uncle and I shared a good laugh! I suppose I don't go out enough at night to see these women all dressed up. I also don't get it. Heels are a pain. They hurt. I am still trying to break in a pair so that when I wear them on my one year, I won't kill my feet. Plus this was on Tuesday, when it was really windy out (therefore, cold!) and all these women are wearing teeny skirts. Aren't you women freezing!? 

Maybe I don't know dress code for concerts, because I don't go to them. But I am pretty sure dressing like a hooker isn't concert attire... unless you are a groupie... but really? A groupie.. for Beyonce? Riiiiiight.

I could just be jealous because I don't think I have sexy legs that can pull off mini skirts and heels. But even if I did, I don't know if I would ever dress that way. It just looks cheap... and not cheap in the "I can't afford new chucks so I wear these ones with rips and tears in them" but cheap in the way of a 75 cent whore or something.

I don't understand women in this city.. I look forward to when Kaitlyn visits, and we can go out and make fun of the bar stars and clubbing girls.