**tango music is stuck in my head**

Apparently, I am a terrible person.

At least, that's how I currently feel. I am trying my best but it isn't good enough. I can feel the strain. We touch less and less. I don't want the romance and lust to disappear. I feel like it is. And I feel like it's my fault. I am hoping it will improve. When my friends move closer, or if I successfully make friends with current co-workers (yes, I am trying that again despite the effort and stress from the last attempt) However, these co-workers are much different and give off much better vibes. I hope I am not wrong because sometimes I doubt that I have a good judgement of character. Perhaps I just like to believe there is good in everyone.

Am I an independent friend? I feel like I am because I am there no matter what and I don't make it necessary for my friends to see me everyday. I just wait around until they are ready to pick me back and up and play with me. Y'know, like a childhood dolly. But I find it difficult to maintain that sense in a relationship.

I know why I am scared of it. I am trying to work past it. But I feel with every passing day... it's waning. I don't want to be just another girl. I want to be The Girl.

Shut up brain... please. :(

Now You're Here & You Don't Know Why

I feel down and I can't quite explain it. I felt it yesterday too. Just a giant wave of melancholy. It's awfully silly to feel this way and I wish I could stop it but I feel so alone.. even with Tony. I am scared that I will push him away if I am always around. I am an only child! I should be used to being alone but nowadays it's immature and silly if I play make believe. It's considered crazy if I make up friends.

I feel friendless. Stupid, really, I know I have friends. But I never see them. I feel sad when I sit on the bus and see two girls giggling together or talking in secret. Or when a couple of girls come in to Starbucks and have a coffee. Talking to Kaitlyn and Steph through msn, fb or text just isn't the same as having them here. Talking to Alleah online.. never happens...I don't see Christy ever.. though we are supposed to see eachother Sunday. I hope I feel happier then.

Why do I always have feelings of loneliness... Wondering..

As Kaitlyn Requested... An Update

I took a really long shower just now... I usually don't. But I found myself still in the shower as the water was getting cold. I wasn't even doing anything, just standing under the water. Thinking. There is so much I wish I could do, yet I seem to lack the motivation to do so. Where is my motivation? Where is my focus? Am I cursed to have none? So here is my list of things.. I want to do or change...

- Writing: I want to write more. That means poetry, here, in my own personal journal. I miss writing. I really miss my old blog.. All the memories of Aka... and the slurpee crisis...

- Weight: I was losing weight. I was feeling good. However, key word there is WAS. A couple of times I even did some pilates and other times I just danced around the house like a maniac. All of those times, my muscles hurt. Which means it was working.. But the pain made me not want to continue. I even felt motivated for awhile to get in shape.. but it quickly dissipated and now I am back to drinking an iced caramel macchiato almost every day... *le sigh* I want to figure out how to motivate myself. How to figure out a way to escape the negative thoughts and get up and do something about it..

- Being Alone: more precisely I want to stop being scared. This might seem ridiculous to some.. but I am so scared when I am home alone at night. As soon as it gets dark out. I just feel fear. I don't understand why. It's not like I haven't been home alone at night before.. Granted.. I always felt fear. I remember being scared when I was younger and my mom would leave me all alone at night. Or even the rare time I was home alone at AKA House.. when I was alone in the dorms during Christmas time... When I was alone in the apartment. It's all fine and dandy when it's daylight but as soon as it gets dark. I fear every noise. Every uncovered window... even... the closet...

- Leadership: I wish I didn't care what people thought of me so I could be a leader. And coach co-workers when needed. There is much they do that I don't agree with.. and wish to coach them on. But I am frightened.. I need to get over this BEFORE my assistant manager interviews...

- Relationship: I want to be a better girlfriend to Tony. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to have an attitude. I don't want to be negative and I don't want to see him unhappy. I wish to make this work. Tony is so amazing, and I feel he deserves someone just as amazing. I like to think I am just as amazing. Or at least I will be once I can learn to let go and just be. With him.

I suppose that is enough rambling on about what I want to do.. Perhaps I should get off my ass and start some of this...

Or maybe I will do it tomorrow...