Do You See Yourself In A Crowded Room?

Here is my post to end 2010... Not that I posted much, my heart isn't in to it since my old blog got deleted... so many memories documented, that are now gone. For some odd reason, I haven't documented all this years memories. Though I would say there were a lot. I guess.

It's new years eve and I just got home from work. Buses were all crowded full of rowdy and drunk people heading to parties or downtown.. Groups of friends all together. I felt alone. Tony's at work so I am ringing in the new year alone.

I was debating on drinking but I don't want to be that person who drinks alone... especially after that one time I did. The mourning of AKA House... I was the last person in the house and it was so empty that I just drank all day... Geoffrey luckily saved me... I wonder sometimes, if he wasn't there, if I could have possibly drowned in my own vomit and died... Because I was so haggard that night... I never want that to happen again but I find myself feeling sorrowful lately with no real cure.

I miss drinking. When I drink with Tony it's not the same. I miss how I used to drink... but if that's the only way I can enjoy drinking then what does that say about me? Why am I so stupid that I can't figure out how to enjoy a drink and have a good time with my boyfriend? I don't know how to behave while drinking when I am with someone.

I miss Kaitlyn... I miss having friends. I have been trying to make some with people I work with but our schedules are so conflicting. My life lacks the social element I had when going to school. I miss booze, I miss parties, I miss getting dressed up, I miss so much. I feel like I am boring now. That there is no spark in me. When I asked customers what their new years plans were a few of them told me nothing because their old farts, they are just gonna hide out at home... what does that say about me? I am 23 and hiding out at home... Hiding from the other drunks...

I was gonna meet Tony at the station... but he thought it would be better if I stayed at home... Safe...

That is my life now. Safe. Boring. Lonely.

Lucky for me, there is no cola in the house and I am too much of a pussy to drink my liquor without mix...

Ringing Ears: Check. Stiff Neck: Check. Sore Nose: Check.

All symptoms from a metal show.

I went to see Nevermore last night at the Red Room (which is also a nightclub). Which most likely explains the girl at the end of my story... but first I should start at the beginning.

The first band, Blackguard, was a pirate metal band from Montreal. I loved their look and enthusiasm. It was a shame they went first because everyone was still warming into what the night would become, and they seemed like a band that should have had a decent pit. Instead of what it is, the lead singer was running around the circle pit and trying his best to start one. I just really dug the band and their synchronized windmilling! <3

The second band was Warbringer, I liked their music, but they didn't have the same presence as the first band, and the pit was growing for them. One of the dude's in the band looked like a metal version of Dave Grohl.

After watching the first two acts, I thought, why not, yes why not try to see what happens if I get on the floor for Nevermore. We got pretty close to the front, but to the side more so I could put my sweater on the steps by the stage, and stay far from the pit... I thought I was in a safe spot... but I was wrong.

Tony hung on to my hips to protect the back of me from the pit which seemed to keep growing and as the set went on... throwing themselves into the people who manned the front lines. Also a guy to my left helped Tony protect me. For the most part I was able to hold my own, and I only got shifted over a couple times, for the most part I was close to where I started. At one point Tony decided to enter the pit. While he was gone I got elbowed in the head and on my shoulder (but the guy apologized) and I got hit by a guy's back in the nose when he threw himself back from the stage... but still this isn't what made me pissed off...

This really drunk smelly guy in a leather jacket was trying to push himself up front and kept trying to elbow his way up. Elbowing Tony tons until Elbowing me. But I was unwilling to give up my spot, so I pushed him away when he elbowed me a bit too hard. To which Tony also jumped to my defense, and pushed the guy away and for a moment I thought the guy was gonna punch Tony, but Tony was all "we don't need your elbow in the show" and the drunk guy calmed down a bit... but still threw himself around. But this still isn't what pissed me off...

No what made me pissed off was the encore. Nevermore was great! Everything was great!! I started thinking I could handle a Metal show then some dumb skank club rat looking girl decided to throw herself into my area from the steps. She kept putting her arm around people's necks from far away. One guy didn't seem to care until she nearly choked him because we all got pushed over by the pit. Then she tried clinging to this other guy who had pushed himself beside me, and he kept trying to shove her arm away so then she tried reaching further... and started trying to grab at the girl in front of me (which for some reason I felt compelled to protect) so I pulled the bitch's arm off the girl and yelled at her not to f**king touch her. Right after that the people from the pit threw themselves and everyone sorta got pushed over, so I probably rammed into her a bit hard. Thinking she was eventually going to leave me alone now... I went back to the show, when I felt a foot against my leg... she was actually trying to kick me but with her leg out from behind her, trying to be subtle... when she did it a second time I grabbed hold of her leg, without letting go, I twisted it a little... and then pushed her away. Tony hearing she kicked me elbowed her pretty hard and pushed her away from me (also imagine all sorts of profanities and name calling coming from my mouth) Then this HUGE guy (I am assuming after getting some sort of story from the skank) started protecting her... and when she complained about getting pushed by Tony assumed it was me and he fucking pushed me and this guy was over 6 feet... I am only 5'3'' he was a giant compared to me and the f***in' bastard shoved me... when he did, I tried to grab on to anything as to not fall over... and I accidentally grabbed his hair and in result, ended up pulling his hair... Then Tony pushed him back as did I. And Tony yelled out about "who the f*** kicks someone" After all this, the show finally ended. Tony grabbed my sweater as quick as he could and we were f**king out of there.

We went to sevvie to get a slurpee, I fixed my makeup and we headed to the station. I saw the guy who helped Tony to protect for the first part of Nevermore's set. I wanted to thank them if they were on our seabus, but unfortunately we missed that seabus :(

Once finally home. Ears were ringing. Ordered Andreas. Relaxed. Woke up with an uber stiff neck. As well as a sore nose when anything touches it.

But I survived, and I actually feel good letting everything I had out on that fucking bitch...

:)

I like metal shows, but I don't think I will be going to another one for awhile :P

She Had Something To Confess To But You Don't Have The Time

Inconsistent posts. I realize that. Not like I have many readers. But I do know I have at least one faithful one. *smiles*

I found out today that margarine can go moldy. Not a happy discovery. But one I have now made. I don't know why I thought margarine would never go bad. But seeing mold on margarine really was strange. Sort of makes me feel nauseous. Tony and I waste a lot of food it seems. I am not even totally sure how we manage to waste so much.

I house-sat for my cousin for a week and it was so wonderful. I felt ashamed coming back home. Her place is so nice and made me feel like ours was a dump. While on the island, I wanted to see Alleah... that never happened. I ran into one of my exes and it was the most awkward thing ever. And I have had my fair share of awkward moments. He seemed shaky. I felt trapped... like how do I escape this situation. Stuck in the deli section of the grocery store... all I wanted was a sandwich! Honestly, what were the odds. Later on in the week, I ran into Biff. He looked so good and slim. It was so nice seeing him... but again it was slightly awkward. I felt like I looked like a mess... and I can never tell who is my friend and who isn't these days.

Someone I played Halo with (I know.. I am a dork) was telling me that I need to have more faith in people because I was doubting everything he said, and was skeptical about anything nice he had to say. Perhaps that is true. But if I believe in people I can be let down. But then again, if I don't, I may never be truly happy. I am happy with Tony.. for sure, but I am scared he will leave me like everyone else seems to. He tells me not to think this way and I am trying, but that little thought is in there, lingering.

random post.. sorry..

Just As Long As You Stand By Me

You just blew my mind. I love you so much.

another broken promise.

I Met Her At The Biltmore

Sometimes it takes so much courage even just to say something nice to someone.

Earlier today, on my way to work. I saw this girl. and she had a funky style. I dug it. It had some 80s thrown in. With pirate and punk. I loved it! Anyways, she was on my bus on my way home tonight!! Wearing a funky coat (that again, I was totally digging). I sat there two seats behind her. Trying to convince myself that I could be brave enough to give this lovely and funky girl a compliment. Finally I pulled the string for my stop and decided fuck it! LETS DO IT! As I went to get off the bus I told her that it may seem weird but I saw her on my bus on the way to work too, and I wanted to tell her that I dig her look. It's unique and fresh to see :) (especially compared to all the skank wear I usually see on Fridays lol)...

She gave me a huge smile, and seemed very happy that I complimented her. She thanked me and I got off the bus feeling happy to make someone smile! I mean, I make people smile all the time at work.. But it's nice to make a complete stranger that has nothing to do with me whatsoever happy.

I went to the Zolas on Wednesday night with my coworker/friend Lauren. She is so cute and innocent. She baked cookies for the lead singer/guitarist, Zach. THEY WERE SO GOOD! Gingerbread with chocolate chips! Nyum nyums. Anyways, he gave her a shout out on stage. I did my best to give her a good night. But I can tell she was a bit sad she didn't get to really talk to him. It's hard when she's shy and quiet. I tried to give her liquid courage.. but to no avail :(

BUT THE SHOW WAS AWESOME!!! I almost got elbowed in the face numerous times by Zach (because for their last two songs.. they were down in the audience playing lol) People wouldn't back up to give me space to give Zach space so that he didn't elbow me in the face!! Eventually he stepped back and I lost my balance and fell into some people and they finally realised they should give Amber some space.

And another thing I loved... was the Biltmore itself. It had a vibe similar to 70 Below yet was totally different and unique. I definately love the place and intend to bring all my island friends out there. Especially next time the Zolas play! I also decided that if for any reason, Tony and I have to move from our place out in the Cove, I fully intend to move near Broadway and or Main

I NEED TO LIVE NEAR THE RIO AND THE BILTMORE!! They are now my two favorite places and it takes FOREVER to get to and from either of them when being stuck in the Cove. Let alone being on the North Shore in general!

Anyways, that's enough for this blogpost.. I have some other things to attend to.

CHEERIO!

P.S. If you haven't checked out the Zolas yet.. .then DO SO!

Time Is Not On Our Side

I haven't been to a funeral since I was a child. Since my grandma and my great grandma. I remember being so scared when it was an open casket. Thankfully, tomorrow it won't be. Another Uncle of mine has died this year. First it was Uncle Keith... now it's my great uncle Wally. It hasn't really hit me yet. I haven't cried. Which is odd, I am usually the one who cries about everything. It scares me that I haven't really cried much about his passing. I mean, I knew he was really sick.. and he looked so fragile last time I saw him... But shouldn't I be more upset. Did I really drift that far away from my family? I remember the family being so close when I was young. When we would all gather for Christmas dinner at Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Wally's house. Back when great grandpa and great grandma were alive. When I didn't know family drama. Sometimes, I wish to go back to being the naive child I once was.

When will it hit me? If it was anyone else would I cry right away? As it stands, I personally don't feel I could lose my other family members without falling to complete pieces.. Like I cannot imagine losing my mom, my dad, my aunty velma, my uncle nello, or my cousins: Tianna and Chris... like I would be devastated to lose any of them. So why am I not devestated about Uncle Wally?

Tomorrow, I hope for the rain, and not the sunshine.

The Tick Tock Ticks Out Of Control

Something is wrong with me.. for numerous reasons I think this. One of these reasons is that I have been dreaming Halo for the past week. I have obviously been playing it far too much as of late. I have restrained from doing so this evening. It seems Halo made me forget the thoughts in my head. I feel that I can't voice how I feel anywhere. I am not even sure if I have compromised my blog.. after all.. my parents are on facebook. I fear posting any picture that could change their opinion on their daughter. Similar with any status update. I don't want to bore my friends with my problems. Nor my co-workers. I can't let what happened at my last store happen at this one. Can't let my guard completely down. Though I feel I can talk to some of them... I just... don't want them to think less of me.

I think less of me.

I have been upset with Tony... for silly reasons he would think. I just.. want him to value our time together as much as I do... because you never know when it could end. That and it seems our weekends are either taken up with time with friends or doing nothing.. I wish he would want to take me on a date or do something romantic/fun/unexpected together. I have been waiting for him to take me to the aquarium since we started dating.. But he isn't the first boy to promise me this. I am starting to dislike promises. Rarely, are promises kept. Whether it's promises to go somewhere, or to stay friends forever, or to meet again someday... They are all empty. Forgotten. Will I be forgotten just like these promises?

I am just another number in a corporation. I am just another citizen in this city.

Just another person...

No Mystical Design. No Cosmic Lover Preassigned.

Am I stuck? I feel stuck. Trapped. Lost. The only thing I have to cling to is Tony. Yet my thoughts still wander. Too scared and no means to just quit and try what I love. What if in doing so I have to leave the city. Am I comfortable enough in my relationship to just leave for a few months? Or less? I remember feeling hopeful. Not scared. I remember being excited. I want those feelings back. I want my innocence back. His picture made me cry.

It's all a learning experience, right? Everything in life is supposed to be a learning experience. Everytime you feel hurt. BAM! Learning experience.

It might be the ugly betty talking in me... But is it necessary.. to step out of your comfort zone in order to push yourself into taking a risk and doing what it is you want to do. you love to do. what you DREAM of doing?

So many things to think about.

April Showers.

April started off so amazing!

April 1st was my first concert.
April 1st was... MUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was seriously one of the best things I have experienced! Matthew Bellamy rocked my face off. I wish I posted about it sooner. The entire setlist rocked. Matthew Bellamy blew my mind. I screamed so loud. I now understand why people go to concerts. However, I don't know if all concerts will make me feel this way or if it was because it was my favorite band. We shall find out soon. I am going to see Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper on May 1st for their gruesome twosome tour.

I had felt a bit weird after the concert. All I could listen to was Muse. I wanted to hear nothing else but Matthew Bellamy's crooning. Work, Life, Everything, none of it felt as amazing. I started feeling sad that nothing made me feel the way I felt as I did when I was moving to the music and singing along with Muse. The only thing I can honestly say gives me the same feeling.. is performing on stage. It's the only equivalent in my head.

Speaking of stage. I saw the Arts Club production of Billy Bishop Goes to War. It was great! I went because one of my new friends/co-worker's musical crush (from the Zolas) was in the performance. He did amazing. Through the entire show, despite it being just two males on stage. It made me miss being on stage myself. I wanted to place myself there under the lights... I feel more motivated then ever to get those friggin headshots printed and start applying myself. And if I can't apply myself then I am friggin' finding a scene study group or class... something.. ANYTHING to act in any form... I need it. I miss it.

**tango music is stuck in my head**

Apparently, I am a terrible person.

At least, that's how I currently feel. I am trying my best but it isn't good enough. I can feel the strain. We touch less and less. I don't want the romance and lust to disappear. I feel like it is. And I feel like it's my fault. I am hoping it will improve. When my friends move closer, or if I successfully make friends with current co-workers (yes, I am trying that again despite the effort and stress from the last attempt) However, these co-workers are much different and give off much better vibes. I hope I am not wrong because sometimes I doubt that I have a good judgement of character. Perhaps I just like to believe there is good in everyone.

Am I an independent friend? I feel like I am because I am there no matter what and I don't make it necessary for my friends to see me everyday. I just wait around until they are ready to pick me back and up and play with me. Y'know, like a childhood dolly. But I find it difficult to maintain that sense in a relationship.

I know why I am scared of it. I am trying to work past it. But I feel with every passing day... it's waning. I don't want to be just another girl. I want to be The Girl.

Shut up brain... please. :(

Now You're Here & You Don't Know Why

I feel down and I can't quite explain it. I felt it yesterday too. Just a giant wave of melancholy. It's awfully silly to feel this way and I wish I could stop it but I feel so alone.. even with Tony. I am scared that I will push him away if I am always around. I am an only child! I should be used to being alone but nowadays it's immature and silly if I play make believe. It's considered crazy if I make up friends.

I feel friendless. Stupid, really, I know I have friends. But I never see them. I feel sad when I sit on the bus and see two girls giggling together or talking in secret. Or when a couple of girls come in to Starbucks and have a coffee. Talking to Kaitlyn and Steph through msn, fb or text just isn't the same as having them here. Talking to Alleah online.. never happens...I don't see Christy ever.. though we are supposed to see eachother Sunday. I hope I feel happier then.

Why do I always have feelings of loneliness... Wondering..

As Kaitlyn Requested... An Update

I took a really long shower just now... I usually don't. But I found myself still in the shower as the water was getting cold. I wasn't even doing anything, just standing under the water. Thinking. There is so much I wish I could do, yet I seem to lack the motivation to do so. Where is my motivation? Where is my focus? Am I cursed to have none? So here is my list of things.. I want to do or change...

- Writing: I want to write more. That means poetry, here, in my own personal journal. I miss writing. I really miss my old blog.. All the memories of Aka... and the slurpee crisis...

- Weight: I was losing weight. I was feeling good. However, key word there is WAS. A couple of times I even did some pilates and other times I just danced around the house like a maniac. All of those times, my muscles hurt. Which means it was working.. But the pain made me not want to continue. I even felt motivated for awhile to get in shape.. but it quickly dissipated and now I am back to drinking an iced caramel macchiato almost every day... *le sigh* I want to figure out how to motivate myself. How to figure out a way to escape the negative thoughts and get up and do something about it..

- Being Alone: more precisely I want to stop being scared. This might seem ridiculous to some.. but I am so scared when I am home alone at night. As soon as it gets dark out. I just feel fear. I don't understand why. It's not like I haven't been home alone at night before.. Granted.. I always felt fear. I remember being scared when I was younger and my mom would leave me all alone at night. Or even the rare time I was home alone at AKA House.. when I was alone in the dorms during Christmas time... When I was alone in the apartment. It's all fine and dandy when it's daylight but as soon as it gets dark. I fear every noise. Every uncovered window... even... the closet...

- Leadership: I wish I didn't care what people thought of me so I could be a leader. And coach co-workers when needed. There is much they do that I don't agree with.. and wish to coach them on. But I am frightened.. I need to get over this BEFORE my assistant manager interviews...

- Relationship: I want to be a better girlfriend to Tony. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to have an attitude. I don't want to be negative and I don't want to see him unhappy. I wish to make this work. Tony is so amazing, and I feel he deserves someone just as amazing. I like to think I am just as amazing. Or at least I will be once I can learn to let go and just be. With him.

I suppose that is enough rambling on about what I want to do.. Perhaps I should get off my ass and start some of this...

Or maybe I will do it tomorrow...

A Chest Full of Dreams

I finally went through the hope chest. To explain what a hope chest is... because according to Tony.. it's not common. It's a chest that is past down in the family to the women. When they are 16, they are given the hope chest. You fill the chest with things for a wedding and starting a family. Like expensive linens, dining wear, baby clothes and blankets, and things you would like to keep around for your own children. It may seem like an outdated tradition now. Not everyone starts a family in today's world. People would even think, due to my outbursts of fear of Adrianna and Alleah's whole pregnancy, that I will be one of those people who don't have children...

But tonight.. looking at the cute little knitted sweaters... I was struck with the thought. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.. Obviously not now.. but I do eventually want a family. I mean.. I already like all the traditional stuff. I weirdly enough love doing Tony's laundry and having dinner ready for him when he gets home. I love all those housewife things.

Even though I was supposed to have the hope chest since I was 16 and only recently got it.. I look forward to filling it with things I hope for in my future. And to fill it with memories that I hope to share with my children.

The chest had a familiar scent.. oddly, it didn't smell like smoke. Which usually everything from my mom does.. but it had the scent that I used to smell from my Great Grandma's house.. It made me cry. I love my family and I wish I knew more about my Great Grandma and my Grandma.. Maybe I should ask my Aunt Lorraine more about them. When I had dinner with her at my mom's the other night, She told me some stories about them. I miss them. They have been gone so long. It's hard to remember them exactly. I remember I loved them a lot. I remember price is right, and little house on the prairie. I remember black licorice. I remember grandma's perfume. Sometimes if I think really hard about it.. I can remember her voice. But it's all fading.

People just seem to fade away..

I miss you...

bubble baths and hot dogs.

Is it odd to eat during a bubble bath? Is it odd... to eat hot dogs in a bubble bath? Would this be something normal people do? This may just sound like mad ramblings to you, but I actually am curious... Hear me out... Tony will be hungry when he comes home.. and both of us didn't get to shower tonight.. I figure if we shower first before eating it will be that much longer until we can eat... but if I have food ready for him right when he gets home and have a bubble bath ready for that same time... couldn't it be more efficient to be eating dinner while bathing...

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with my mind.. but then again a romantic bubble bath with hot dogs is original... isn't it? It's unique. Bah. What am I worrying about.. Tony is a laid back guy. I am sure he would love hot dogs and a bubble bath LOL

ramble ramble ramble

Why is it so hard to motivate myself? Am I really that lazy?

Dammit Amber, Just get off the couch and do some friggin' pilates. Why must you be so difficult?

I don't want to be one of those girls who lets themselves go when they are in a relationship and gain tons of weight. I am eating better now, but now I am eating too much and not exercising enough it seems. I want to keep myself beautiful for Tony. I want to be a girlfriend that he can always be proud to have at his side. I know, I know... looks aren't everything (though I looked in the mirror... and I should wear my ponytails high all the time.. it looks good) I do try to excel at the other stuff.

Tonight I am attempting to make a roast... I hope it goes well and that Tony likes it. I love making him happy. Especially when he is happy because I did something right, or for him!! Dude... listen to me ramble on... feminists would hate me!!

The woman who voices Anastasia's voice in Cinderella 3's voice sounds so familiar... Her name is Tress MacNeille.. she has done A LOT of voice work. It's so admirable. I wonder if I could do that? Voice acting seems so ideal. Acting with film and television with a low chance of high Celebrity. Celebrity scares me.