As Kaitlyn Requested... An Update

I took a really long shower just now... I usually don't. But I found myself still in the shower as the water was getting cold. I wasn't even doing anything, just standing under the water. Thinking. There is so much I wish I could do, yet I seem to lack the motivation to do so. Where is my motivation? Where is my focus? Am I cursed to have none? So here is my list of things.. I want to do or change...

- Writing: I want to write more. That means poetry, here, in my own personal journal. I miss writing. I really miss my old blog.. All the memories of Aka... and the slurpee crisis...

- Weight: I was losing weight. I was feeling good. However, key word there is WAS. A couple of times I even did some pilates and other times I just danced around the house like a maniac. All of those times, my muscles hurt. Which means it was working.. But the pain made me not want to continue. I even felt motivated for awhile to get in shape.. but it quickly dissipated and now I am back to drinking an iced caramel macchiato almost every day... *le sigh* I want to figure out how to motivate myself. How to figure out a way to escape the negative thoughts and get up and do something about it..

- Being Alone: more precisely I want to stop being scared. This might seem ridiculous to some.. but I am so scared when I am home alone at night. As soon as it gets dark out. I just feel fear. I don't understand why. It's not like I haven't been home alone at night before.. Granted.. I always felt fear. I remember being scared when I was younger and my mom would leave me all alone at night. Or even the rare time I was home alone at AKA House.. when I was alone in the dorms during Christmas time... When I was alone in the apartment. It's all fine and dandy when it's daylight but as soon as it gets dark. I fear every noise. Every uncovered window... even... the closet...

- Leadership: I wish I didn't care what people thought of me so I could be a leader. And coach co-workers when needed. There is much they do that I don't agree with.. and wish to coach them on. But I am frightened.. I need to get over this BEFORE my assistant manager interviews...

- Relationship: I want to be a better girlfriend to Tony. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to have an attitude. I don't want to be negative and I don't want to see him unhappy. I wish to make this work. Tony is so amazing, and I feel he deserves someone just as amazing. I like to think I am just as amazing. Or at least I will be once I can learn to let go and just be. With him.

I suppose that is enough rambling on about what I want to do.. Perhaps I should get off my ass and start some of this...

Or maybe I will do it tomorrow...