Hello, I've Waited Here For You.

Reconnecting with people from the past is becoming painful. Somehow, out of nowhere they like to bring up the past. Everytime they do so, I get stuck in heartbreak from him. I don't want to live in the past... but why does it always go back to him. Why can't I just focus on Leo.. I just keep wishing that he would reveal something about his feelings for me. I never find out until it's too late. I remember with Mike, afterwards, I was chilling with him and he had an entire folder filled with pictures of me. I was a little shocked. He told me it was from when we were dating. It was then I realised, he thought I was beautiful, yet when I dated him, I hated myself and hated my body. How bizarre.

Perhaps I ask too much. Is this a common problem? Do I always expect too much? How can I change this...

It's funny that when I am in this state of mind, I always find I turn to Paul. He was there then and he is there now. He always seems to have such wisdom, he always listened. 

I find it strange how much I forgot about myself in highschool. It seems so long ago, when really it was only 5 - 6 years ago when I was in grade 10. According to Christy, the first things I asked her were: Are you a virgin? How far have you gone with a guy? Are you in a gang? She told me when she answered that I seemed so disappointed that she was a virgin unaffiliated with any vancouver gangs. And then with Paul... I was just talking to him, and to make me feel better, he wrote me a little poem. Except it made me feel a bit sadder. It was beautiful and it reminded me of a secret. A secret only shared with Paul... makes me feel guilty that Leo doesn't know.. 

He doesn't know of the little jury, of the keepers of my secrets and dreams. He doesn't know how much I wish that he is my Prince Charming that I have been long waiting for to take me away and make me happy.

I refuse to stop believing that one day, I will be rescued...

Leo...please be the one for me..