Scared Of Being The Only Shadow I See Along A Wall

There is something about the night. I can't quite put my finger on the exact reason I love it. It's funny, I love walking at night, yet I am scared of the dark. I now realise it isn't the dark but what could be hidden in the dark that strikes me with fear. There is something calm about the world at night. There is something sad. Yet there are these beautiful twinkling stars. The trees are even beautiful when showered in the light from the intersection. I wanted to just lie on the sidewalk and listen to the pavement. Feel the night air on me. The shining stars twinkling along to their own music. The colour of the lights changing from red to green to yellow and back. 

I am starting to think there is something seriously wrong with me. Why do I find it so hard to let things go? Why can't I just be one of those laid back girls who never care? Or at least are really good at pretending not to care? Monica thinks I need to set up rules. But how do you attempt to do so without making it sound like you are trying to change them and control them. I feel confused. This all happened so suddenly. It feels right and wrong at the same time. There is no solid foundation. Yet I feel something.. something, maybe it's hope? Maybe it's fear. I want to let go of that fear... but am I afraid to even do so?

I am left wondering: What exactly is it I expect from people? I feel that my friends have tired of me. I am worried that I am tiring of me also. Where can I hide? How can  I avoid myself? What is it I am doing? What causes me to behave this way? Why can't I think rationally? Why am I so afraid of getting hurt?