I was unpacking one of the random paper/book boxes my uncle finally brought me and found a picture of Travis and me... first off.. holy shit did I ever look good in grade 10! I miss the simplicity in those days. Grade 10 will always be the best year of highschool for me. I had it going that year (well.. except for the obvious home life). I look back fondly at that year.. but for the life of me, I cannot remember details of my relationship with Travis. Yes, notes passed between friends and me show that I was highly obsessed and worried now and then... but from what I recall... I was trusting. I don't remember ever thinking that Travis could possibly cheat on me or find another girl. I was never worried about that. It wasn't until afterwards, when he dumped me did I learn that fear. From then on, I would doubt every potential relationship. I am really surprised I don't scare Leo away. I wish I could be that girlfriend again. The one eager to please. Content. Trusting. Caring. Confident.
Maybe I am still those things now.. except trusting. I remember one day skipping classes just to bring Travis some chicken noodle soup from the cafeteria.. he had gotten sick. Do I still do these things for Leo? .. I don't even know why I am thinking about all this.
Do you ever wish you could go back and relive a moment in life? ...I do. I want to relive those feelings. I want to relive that trust. I want to relive those moments.
I want to be all the things I was then. I had so much hope that Travis was my knight in shining armor. That he would rescue me from Mark. Thoughts of Travis is what kept me from losing it. Seeing him everyday at school. Being held by him made me feel safe... I wish Leo held me more. I shouldnt compare. These are different times, different people... plus Leo wouldn't like it. I suppose it's bed time for this sad coffee bean.
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