My Thoughts Were So Loud I Couldn't Hear My Mouth

Apparently, the new shade of Amber is red. I am sunburnt. It doesn't hurt now.. but everyone assures me, it's going to hurt tomorrow. Today, I hung out with an old friend I hadn't seen since highschool. It was nice. I tried my best to shut off my thoughts, and for the most part it worked. Then I didn't want to go home, so I stuck around my store. Probably annoying everyone, but oh well. I didn't want to be at home alone with my thoughts. I ended up being at the station all the way past close. But nicely, I had people to hang out with. Coworkers and security guards. 

It's weird, but when chilling out at the station, I noticed guys check me out or give me a couple looks. It made me feel a little better, knowing that hey, I am still a pretty girl. Yet, I still felt little pangs of heartache throughout the night. I want to learn. I want to be happy.

I want to figure things out yet I want to shut out my thoughts.

I need to make up my mind.

I Will Try To Find My Place

I thought things might have been turning around. Apparently, I am unobservant. It's over now. Yet instead of crying my face off, I was just sitting here, calmly. While discussing the situation, I cried a few tears. But nothing serious. Waking up this morning, I nearly forgot all about it. Until I was fully aware of the day.

I know I need to work on myself, but suddenly, I don't have the motivation. In some ways I do... but not enough to push myself to make the changes. 

I am not quite sure what to think... I question even wanting to think. I just know I am going to miss certain things. Like having someone to play ds with on the seabus, skytrain and in bed (we were dorks, I know). I'm going to miss having kisses, but if I work on myself, surely, one day, there will be someone to give me the kisses I will be craving. I will miss his surprises. He surprised me so much this past week or so. Both good and bad. Mostly good ones. Until last night, of course.

Last night, before I left him, we were waiting for my skytrain, and we were kissing. I asked him what he called that kiss, and he would answer with "peck", "passionnate peck" etc, so I kept trying to change it up... then my skytrain came, and I asked "will you show me the goodbye kiss"

and he kissed me goodbye..

I honestly couldn't of asked for a sweeter goodbye kiss. At that moment, I didn't know it was the very last, but looking back on it, I am happy it was..

I asked him once.

I asked him, what he thought us meeting meant.
After all, I am not a fan of "fate" and "destiny"

He said "luck"

I believed him, but now my feelings have changed.
Now I know...
It's just bad timing.

What Did I Say Wrong This Time!?

People are confusing. Doesn't matter what gender they are. Either way, they still manage to befuddle me.  Maybe I am just bad at reading signs, or I just read way to far into them. Where is the happy medium?

Why can't I just learn to shut my trap sometimes? It seems I always dig myself in some form of a hole. Right now, the hole I am in, is very deep. Quite a few different shovels helped me out to get where I am.  Everynow and then, I think, I could possibly climb my way out, I can see the light at the top, I can almost breath the fresh air.... all of a sudden, the dirt gives way and I fall back down with a mouth full of dirt. 

It isn't pleasant. But I keep trying. I just don't understand what motivates people. I want to understand what motivates people. I am trying to work on changing things in my life. Tomorrow I am going to finally file my taxes from the past three years. I am taming the green-eyed monster. 

And with each day passing.. I am realising.. I need to keep my mouth shut... because my thoughts never come across the right way. C'mon Amber, use your acting skills. Pretend everything is okay. You can do it!

Walk Along To Another Day.

What If he leaves?
What If I left too?

What if, what if, what if?

I am so sick and tired of What if's! I just want to live in the NOW for once. Forget the past, and don't think of the future! For so long I lived in the past, and thinking of what might have been. Then with Leo all I could think about was the future. What my future could look like... but right now I want to say f**k it! I want to live in the present. I want to live in now. I want to live life as it comes to me. I don't want to live in the past, and I don't want to think of my future. I want to live for now. I want to keep this happy feeling that I have when I am with him. I want to wake up tomorrow and learn something new & exciting about him and about myself.

Lately, I feel I have been learning so much. I am actually proud of how I have handled some things. Tonight was a bit of a setback for my behavior, but even then I handled it better than I used to be able to. Why should I have to lose this moment? 

This is life.. we are supposed to take it one day at a time.

Scared Of Being The Only Shadow I See Along A Wall

There is something about the night. I can't quite put my finger on the exact reason I love it. It's funny, I love walking at night, yet I am scared of the dark. I now realise it isn't the dark but what could be hidden in the dark that strikes me with fear. There is something calm about the world at night. There is something sad. Yet there are these beautiful twinkling stars. The trees are even beautiful when showered in the light from the intersection. I wanted to just lie on the sidewalk and listen to the pavement. Feel the night air on me. The shining stars twinkling along to their own music. The colour of the lights changing from red to green to yellow and back. 

I am starting to think there is something seriously wrong with me. Why do I find it so hard to let things go? Why can't I just be one of those laid back girls who never care? Or at least are really good at pretending not to care? Monica thinks I need to set up rules. But how do you attempt to do so without making it sound like you are trying to change them and control them. I feel confused. This all happened so suddenly. It feels right and wrong at the same time. There is no solid foundation. Yet I feel something.. something, maybe it's hope? Maybe it's fear. I want to let go of that fear... but am I afraid to even do so?

I am left wondering: What exactly is it I expect from people? I feel that my friends have tired of me. I am worried that I am tiring of me also. Where can I hide? How can  I avoid myself? What is it I am doing? What causes me to behave this way? Why can't I think rationally? Why am I so afraid of getting hurt?

A Stronger Shade of Amber

Each day and with each person I talk to, I am coping more and more!

I danced around my room for almost an hour in bliss singing along to what I have designated as my break up song. It's not like my other breakup song from when I broke up with Travis. This one spreads a smile on my face!!! 

Today I did something I have never done.. I spent my half outside in the sun listening to a busker. A girl I used to work with in Nanaimo randomly showed up and we decided to have a chat outside. I usually sit in the back room hiding, with my cell phone in hand, texting. The sun felt so warm. It seems I was following this weird path. It made me forget how wonderful life is. How the sun caresses the skin. The busker was amazing. He played Kim and I a song :) Very friendly. According to Kim, he plays there often. Plus, Kim lives in North Van too! So I should be able to have another friend to just chill with. It's weird that now that I am single I realise I have so many people who care. So many people who are my friends. Where were they when I was with him? No clue. But now I feel alive. I feel free. 

I am going to overcome the fear. Fear is what causes us to alienate ourselves from eachother. The fear it's everything. The fear is the cause of lonliness and so many more things. But no more. I am not going to let the fear control me. I am a fucking awesome person! I have amazing friends who care what's going on!! I have touched people's lives!!! 

I am Amber and you will not forget me!!