Just Forget The World

I feel shattered. My dreams are in broken pieces on the floor.  Tuxedo Mask is dying and I have no way to resuscitate him. His blood pours out as his rose petals slip from his fingers. Is it childish to cling to my belief in Mamoru and Usagi's love? When I say I want my own Tuxedo Mask I am not talking about a masked crusader. I am talking about the way he loves Usagi. He believes in her, He loves her for who she is, clumsy, loud, whiny, bad cook, caring, dependable, etc.

Is it impossible to love someone for who they are? Or is it human nature to want to change something about them?

All I know is right now, I want to crawl away with my dying dreams and hold them close. Piece them back together and push away the person who doesn't seem to understand.

Is it wrong to believe?

Hello, I've Waited Here For You.

Reconnecting with people from the past is becoming painful. Somehow, out of nowhere they like to bring up the past. Everytime they do so, I get stuck in heartbreak from him. I don't want to live in the past... but why does it always go back to him. Why can't I just focus on Leo.. I just keep wishing that he would reveal something about his feelings for me. I never find out until it's too late. I remember with Mike, afterwards, I was chilling with him and he had an entire folder filled with pictures of me. I was a little shocked. He told me it was from when we were dating. It was then I realised, he thought I was beautiful, yet when I dated him, I hated myself and hated my body. How bizarre.

Perhaps I ask too much. Is this a common problem? Do I always expect too much? How can I change this...

It's funny that when I am in this state of mind, I always find I turn to Paul. He was there then and he is there now. He always seems to have such wisdom, he always listened. 

I find it strange how much I forgot about myself in highschool. It seems so long ago, when really it was only 5 - 6 years ago when I was in grade 10. According to Christy, the first things I asked her were: Are you a virgin? How far have you gone with a guy? Are you in a gang? She told me when she answered that I seemed so disappointed that she was a virgin unaffiliated with any vancouver gangs. And then with Paul... I was just talking to him, and to make me feel better, he wrote me a little poem. Except it made me feel a bit sadder. It was beautiful and it reminded me of a secret. A secret only shared with Paul... makes me feel guilty that Leo doesn't know.. 

He doesn't know of the little jury, of the keepers of my secrets and dreams. He doesn't know how much I wish that he is my Prince Charming that I have been long waiting for to take me away and make me happy.

I refuse to stop believing that one day, I will be rescued...

Leo...please be the one for me..  

'Cause Every Girl's Crazy For A Sharp Dressed Man

It's weird how something so innocent can make me giggly.  I had such a nice night at work. Joked around with Brian, got out of the store on time. As I was buying my transfer ticket I had my hands full. When I reached to get the ticket I dropped my theatre magazine and a nice well dressed man picked it up for me. Of course, I smiled and thanked him then went on my merry way to the seabus. Apparently so was he. That's not too uncommon. I found it funny when he sat near me. But soon forgot about it when I went on my phone. Once getting to the North Shore, I didn't see him again, until I got on the bus. I smiled to myself thinking it was a funny coincidence.  I pulled the wire for my stop, and before I could get up and leave, he did. Again, funny. Then he being the gentleman he seems to be, allowed me to get off the bus first. He followed a good few feet behind me. I laughed because it seemed like he was following me home, I figured that wasn't the case since I live on a street with many apartments. I turned into my building, trying to find my keys, and guess who is right behind me with his keys. The well dressed gentleman. I thank him again for opening the door, and he laughed and said he was worried I would think he was stalking me. I said nah and headed up the stairs as he checked his mail. I got to my floor and was about to open the other door to my section and there he was coming off the stairs. I laughed and told him "now it's a bit suspicious" and he laughed too. 

I just think that whole situation is funny. I was stalked by a well dressed man by coincidence or because I am beautiful. Since I feel really good today, I am going to go with option B HAHAHAHA

Cheers!!

It Takes You There

I hate how stupid emotional I get when it's close to my time of the month aka my inner turmoil! At least thats how I refer to it when I talk to Alex, she is such a funny girl. Leo likes to refer to it as my monster! Ah good times though. I have a sushi date with him tonight. I look forward to it because I won't be seeing him again 'til mid March. It's hard to handle not seeing him. He studies so hard. I really hope he doesn't go back for a second year.  This first year is hard enough for me to get by. I want this to be put behind us. I want what we had when I saw him in Edmonton. That's how it should be. We should be able to do our own thing and then chill afterwards. We should be happy. Instead, Leo is constantly stressed and filling his brain with information as much as he can and I am left wanting more. I don't see him often and it does get to me. I like to think I am patient but I freak out..

GAH speaking of freak out.. I just got a text message from the boyface. Apparently he is not feeling well.. so that means we are going to have to cancel and it will have been a complete month til i see him. I last saw him Valentine's Day. I won't see him again until March 14th if I am lucky...which I am not. He will probably have some big project to do or some major tests to study for. The first year together is supposed to be easy! This is not easy!... I don't feel like blogging anymore..

out.

No Use Crying Over Cupcakes

How stupid of me to think I was actually good at baking since I make amazing peanut butter cookies... I don't think I am good at baking anymore...

I wanted to bake a bunch of cupcakes for my special Valentine and for numerous partners in all the different stores I have worked at in Vancouver.. I had it all planned. I was going to make angel food cupcakes and devils food cupcakes. I had the icing too, and the little icing tips to make little designs. Maybe a few hearts... I don't know what I was thinking.

The angel food cupcakes turned out distasterously.. I don't even know how they are supposed to be. I just assume it's terrible. The chocolate turned out relatively well. However, they are nothing compared to the cupcakes at Starbucks right now.. so I feel ashamed.. and I don't want to bring people my non-amazing cupcakes... I mean.. they are good.. but they aren't as big as the ones in the store, and mine don't fall apart like the ones in the store do.. and some of the bottoms are bit more baked than the rest of the cupcake... 

If I hadn't been so excited and told people that I was going to bring cupcakes... they would have never known, and I could get away with just throwing them out.. even though it would be hard for me to just throw away50 something cupcakes.. and yes there are over 50 cupcakes.. there are at least 48 devil's food cake... and then there are the angel food cupcakes which would be the same amount... but I am unsure if I can salvage them with icing. How is something so light supposed to be an adequate cupcake!? 

What am I supposed to do with all these cupcakes... I cannot possibly bring them to my partners at work... 

It's a silly thing to be upset about.. but I just feel so disappointed..

Being Grown Up Isn't Half As Fun As Growing Up

I was unpacking one of the random paper/book boxes my uncle finally brought me and found a picture of Travis and me... first off.. holy shit did I ever look good in grade 10! I miss the simplicity in those days. Grade 10 will always be the best year of highschool for me. I had it going that year (well.. except for the obvious home life). I look back fondly at that year.. but for the life of me, I cannot remember details of my relationship with Travis. Yes, notes passed between friends and me show that I was highly obsessed and worried now and then... but from what I recall... I was trusting. I don't remember ever thinking that Travis could possibly cheat on me or find another girl. I was never worried about that. It wasn't until afterwards, when he dumped me did I learn that fear. From then on, I would doubt every potential relationship. I am really surprised I don't scare Leo away.  I wish I could be that girlfriend again. The one eager to please. Content. Trusting. Caring. Confident.

Maybe I am still those things now.. except trusting.  I remember one day skipping classes just to bring Travis some chicken noodle soup from the cafeteria.. he had gotten sick. Do I still do these things for Leo? .. I don't even know why I am thinking about all this. 

Do you ever wish you could go back and relive a moment in life? ...I do. I want to relive those feelings. I want to relive that trust. I want to relive those moments. 

I want to be all the things I was then. I had so much hope that Travis was my knight in shining armor. That he would rescue me from Mark. Thoughts of Travis is what kept me from losing it. Seeing him everyday at school. Being held by him made me feel safe... I wish Leo held me more. I shouldnt compare. These are different times, different people... plus Leo wouldn't like it. I suppose it's bed time for this sad coffee bean.  

Who Would Ever Let Us Put Our Filthy Hands Upon It?

Sitting in my new place... instead of relaxing and trying to get some sleep, I am reading up on serial killers and Sylvia Browne... doesn't really go together does it? I just have tons of random pages open. Sometimes I just have a need for knowledge of something.. I just want to feel informed on a subject. I don;t know why I always jump to learning more about serial killers... but that part of humanity always grabs my attention. Somehow in all this mess of blood and massacre I stumbled on a website called stopsylvia.com. Basically this site talks about everything she has been wrong on and that she just does cold readings that anyone could do. He has some very amusing things to say and seems to have upset this long nailed woman quite a bit. Based on his musings, I went to see more about Sylvia and her predictions... I found a link to what she says will happen in the next 100 years. It really made me laugh. Hovercrafts are included. Dome cities.. etc. What really grabbed my attention was something that said an exact year... 

"Aliens will begin to show themselves in the year 2010, they will not harm us, they simply want to see what we are doing to this planet. They will teach us how to use anti-gravity devices again, such as they did for the pyramids."

 All of you keep watch!! Aliens are coming next year!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA Word up aliens!! Watch out Will Smith might kick yo ass!! There were some other predictions that are set for (what I believe will be in) my lifetime.  Such as atlantis rising and blah blah blah. I can't believe people take this woman seriously...

I suppose people are just evil... if they aren't out to murder you and rape your corpse then they are out to con you tons of money by lying to you about your dead loved ones and giving you generic vague predictions.

**shudders**