Everyone has an opinion as to what I should do now. Some say to be patient and his opinion might change. Some say that I should move on and replace him as soon as possible. Some say this is for the better. Some say that he doesn't know what he wants. Some say that I could be the one that got away..
But none of that is helping me. I just feel ultra confused about it all. I just want some clarity. I don't want to take up a hobby or go to places and try to meet people. I want to know that he is hurt by this too. I want to know that I am not easy to move on from. I want to know... I want to know the truth. So I decided to stop myself from texting or calling him no matter what... if he wants to talk to me.. he can make the move to do so. I have a feeling this is just going to hurt me because he has so many things to distract himself from thoughts of me. Right now he is Edmonton, having the time of his life. Planning on all the things he will do when he moves back. Not once will he think of me. Or miss me. Then he will be back to school and studying like crazy. Playing his computer games and downloading shows.. and then too... I won't be missed. Not a thought of Amber will run through.. It's like I could just disappear and his life would go on. I didn't affect him at all.
I feel like I should disappear, run away from it all. I am losing my dream. I don't even know if I want to try theatre anymore.. it's been so long. I don't even remember if I am an actress or not. Can I act? Is there a point to do it anymore? Have I wasted my future?
Oh right, I am 21. That's so young, there is so much life to live. So many more guys... but there is a problem there... I don't want more guys. I wanted the one guy. And even if people thought he was a jerk sometimes.. He was my jerk, and I was his girl. Now I am just plain old Amber. I feel like a dull ice cream flavor that no one wants. I honestly feel I lost my drive to be someone. I feel this city is taking away what made me special.
If Nanaimo wasn't right for me. I was sure Vancouver would... but now I am not so sure. I am just as unhappy here, if not more now, as I was there. Where do I belong?
And with that I remember that question that Jake asked me long ago:Who are you?
...I still don't have an answer.
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